I read before about May being the mental illness month and try and type 30 blogs in 30 days.  Since the month has already begun and I haven't, it is kind of impossible for me to achieve this aim, however it's a neat idea. 

I walk around thinking that I have a secret, but I'm sure everyone does.  I keep thinking that my secret is something that will make or break my life and the lives around me if it is let out.  Odd, but something to think about.

Last week I went to my Psychiatrist.  Good 'ol Dr………R!!  He has set me a task that has been constantly on my mind.  I am, and have been all my life, a person that looks after everyone.  I make sure that everyone is happy, looking after themselves and shooting for what they want in their life, no matter what the costs to me.  So, my homework is, 'to list, in point form, what I want for me in twelve months'.  Easy huh?….yeah right.  It sounds easy, but for someone that has sent almost 24 years out of 24 years of their life looking after others, it's kind of like teaching a three year old child to read a medical journal.  Not impossible, but very very challenging. 

So, I got thinking, straight onto the job.  What do I want for me by the time twelve months comes alone?  I want to do an arthritis course, but that is so I can help people.  I want to do a swimming course, so I can teach other people to swim.  I want to get my bus licence, but that is so I can help out more in schools.  Does any of this count?  If not, I am wasting my whole life.  I can't do it.  

I am incontact with someone I now call an old friend.  In fact he is my ex-boyfriend.  I have hurt all of my boyfriends very much, but this one could see I needed help and now and again throughout the last three-four years he has popped in and out of my life to make sure I was already.  After lashing out at him everytime he started to give up until last year I could finally sit here on the net and say 'I need help and I'm going to get it'.  Since then we have been friends again.  Although it seems like a bad idea it is kind of a benefit.  He knows me already.  Anyway, back to what I was going to say…about my homework.  My friend told me that I need to aim for friend of which I have none.  I need to aim for ….lots of other things that I don't remember, but all of these things don't mean anything to me or I mean…they are too hard.  I would rather spend time with someone with ADHD or Autism than spend a day with someone I was trying to build a friendship with.  These are my friends.  Why do people alienate people with a disability.  My sister does it to my whole family because my Mum and Dad are disabled.  Opps…opening up a whole new suit case.

That's enough to think about for now!