Hi everyone, been off the boards for a while. Just wanted to give an update on how things are going.

I havent been able to take a vacation in 2 years because of my germ issues. For mothers day i decided to go away with my mom and we stayed at a great place on the beach. I was so nervous about the trip but it actually went very well. I was so pleased to see that I can actually go on a trip if i want and survive it haha. i did lysol the whole room but i think most people would, including my mom. I think it meant a lot to her to see that im getting better.

My other issue is eating out at places because i have a strict diet and i NEVER eat food other people have made for me. Too many germ issues there. I ate out at a few places the whole time i was never and even ordered room service! Which was a big no no for me before. And all the food was so good, we had such a great time. It was the only trip weve been on together.

Ive been trying a lot harder to conquer my fears lately because it really sunk in that you never know when life is over and i dont want to look back and be dissapointed about my life, i want it to be filled with wonderful memories. Ive started working more and I also signed up for my first pin up contest.

This means being on a stage and talking and taking pictures with hundreds of people all day in an unfamiliar place. Pretty much a recipe for disaster. This event is really important for me and its something i really need to do. I havent even told most people about it so i still have the chance to back out of it if i need to. I honestly dont know how im going to do it and its less than 2 weeks away.

I went to the doctor today and explained the situation( let me include that im terrified of taking medicine, i dont even take otc medicine). He wants me on an everyday anxiety medicine but i know that isnt going to happen with me so he gave me Ativan for events like this. Ive never taken it so im really nervous to take it. When i get anxious i get really dizzy and my stomach kills me so im scared that the ativan will just make those things worse. Im still not sure if i should take it. If anyone has any experience with this then please share it with me.

I have even been thinking of doing an actors workshop to try to get over my stage fright. i think it will help a lot with my fear of having panic attacks in public too.

i just want to try to eliminate as much stress as possible from my life right now, im so tired of it.  This has been a long ramble, sorry guys. Now you know what ive been up to! Hopefully i can write some more productive blogs soon.