So it's been a while since I've been online here. My life has rocketed from being depressed, to being stressed, to being exhausted. Many of you know all the problems I've been having. Well, it's gotten worse.

My psychiatrist has decided not to treat me further unless I commit myself for at least a week, but probably more like a month. She feels that she can't trust me on an outpatient basis to do what needs to be done. Also, they want me to undergo intensive cognitive behavior therapy. The SSRIs that I'm on have caused me to go into seratonin syndrome, which totally sucks. I sweat so much (doing nothing) that my sweat doesn't have any salt in it. Plus they want me to undergo some other kind of therapy for my PTSD. Something about changing "hot" memories into normal ones. It sounds scary, because they are going to make me re-live all the bad shit that I've been through. I'm not sure how I'm going to react to that. I don't want to become violent again. And if they restrain me, I will freak out.

My knees have become unbearably painful. They say I need to have both of my legs broken and have my kneecaps realigned. It is incredibly expensive. I am now trying to get the VA to pay for it. I will be unable to walk for about 6 months for each knee.

My back is also screwed. They can't do the fusion surgery without paralyzing me. Now they want to deaden the nerve, and they don't know what it will do to me. I might lose control of my bodily functions. It totally sucks that this may be my only option for not being in pain anymore. They are refusing to put me on OxyContin or Methadone because of my past drug abuse. They don't seem to listen to me when I tell them that I abused drugs because of the pain I was in, and that it would not happen now because I know the consequences of it.

So that's what has been happening. My wife has been really supportive. She has been studying OCD to better understand me. She's so great!