Hi Everyone,
So I saw a new psychistrist yesterday. I spent an hour and a half with him. I told him as much as I could about myself, then he spent the rest of the time talking to me. He told me that yes, I have classical ocd, and gave me a rundown of the illness. He then told me about treatment, and that cbt and meds is most effective. He told me I need to practice relaxation techniques, as well as other cbt strategies so that I can manage the anxiety before it reaches the level where I need to do my ritual. He also indidcated that is is quite possible for my paxil to have "pooped out," however, given that it is in the middle of the school year, he would not try changing my meds until summer. In July, we might try luvox. All in all I was very happy. He was funny, blunt, and I liked him. I felt great last night and this morning.
Today we had a PD day on technology. Things were going great, and then it happened. It was like a bomb. "Remember back in September when you posted to your support group from work about going on that adult site and obsessing that it was child p*orb"? "Well, what if they now have a red flag file on you that you are crazy and not ever to hire you again"? "Then you really would be depressed because you would be out of work and couldn't support your family and you really might hurt someone and end up in jail."
So I need to deal with these catastrophizing events cognitively. I am letting the thought be there. I am saying to myself, yes, it might happen, you will never know. I am going to refocus and do something else. But, I still feel a lot of anxiety. My wife is gone for the weekend and I have Lucy all weekend. I had so many things planned for us, and I can't afford to be like this. What else can I do to get through this obsession?
Donnie
First of all, give yourself enormous kudos for facing the OCD bully. This decision requires a lot of strength. It will be exhausting at times, but I've found that the two things that work best for me are deep breathing and engaging in an enjoyable activity, preferably something complex, so that more of my brain power will be invested in that instead of the anxiety. And of course, you always have this website to come to when you're having a rough time. Hang in there! You're doing a great job!
Write about it. That's what helps me get over things. Write it out by hand. Write out everything you think, the facts, the worst case scenarios, howit makes you feel, what you would do in each scenario.
It really helps.
I don't mean to burst your bubble or scare you about the Luvox, but I think it is important in your particular case to know that I fealt violent when taking it. It was the only med that I ever fealt this and had to hold myself back from becomming violent. It was almost like an itch that needed to be scratched. Due to this, I would NEVER recommend Luvox to anyone. That is my personal experience with it. I hope the doctor can find a different med that will help you.
I think you are on the right track by saying to yourself, yes it MIGHT happen. When I went to an OCD specialist, she mentioned the "what if" factor and these types of fears, and she said we all have to decide to live in fear of those events possibly happening, or throw caution into the wind that those things could possibly (very, very unlikely) happen and live our lives. It's very hard to get past that point where the fear of possibility paralyzes our emotions and progress in life, but I think the only way to ever see the clarity of how they effect us and how to be able to become strong enough to see how powerless the thoughts really are is to break through that barrier of fear and take a chance on living. I wish you the best, and hope the new therapist helps you to get back on track.