Hello, I am all new to this so give me some time to get used to this. I joined because I am in the search for some answers and help. I am not diagnosed with any mental illness at the moment. But I have my suspicions. So I will share as much detail I can think of and welcome any opinions and comments.
It really all began in the month of February 2012. I started getting these ideas, or thoughts that God had chosen me for a special assignment to help his son Jesus with I dont know what. Simple as that it started off as guessing. Am I really? Can it be true? I literally lost focus on everything and it kept eating at me in my head to the point where I was lying in bed so damn frustrated cause it wouldnt leave me alone. Then really I dont remember much after that. I believe it went away because I cant remember anything after that. I seemed to have forgotten. I was doing fine, life was going on as usual, I was working going to the gym hanging out with friends. Doing things normal as ever.
Then in June of 2012, things took a turn for the worse. It came back only stronger, this time forcing me to believe that I was. The most complicated thing is I dont hear it telling me like through literal voices. Like hearing your mom or someone talk to you. I just know what these "thoughts" or messages are telling me. Like I said its complicated and hard to explain. But when it came back I could not get it out of my head. It was attacking me literally from when I would wake up to when I go to sleep. I would literally be crying sometimes saying "please dont force me to do this" or "no I dont want to do this" with no idea as to who I am talking to. Then it started getting worse. I would have what I would call "deep episodes" where I am literally gripping my head and walking around my house crying my heart out asking God not to force me to do this. Practically begging him not to force me to do this, and I would pray and pray again telling him please dont force me. Out of frustration one day I intentionally hurt myself, I scratched my arm with my nails one day and another day used a thumbtack to lightly cut my arm. I did it because I was trying to divert attention from what was going on in my head to something else. And to prove to myself its not God who is doing this to me. I started off in very deep depression because it wouldnt stop. And because I didnt know what was happening to me.
Then it feels that the depression has turned into numbness and nothing matters to me. Not my job, my car, my family, nothing at all. I feel dead inside and very unhappy. It also has turned into alot of anger. I find myself pacing back and forth just yelling at myself (or actually the thoughts or messages, but to someone else it would look like im yelling at myself) over and over "you cant force me!" or "God doesnt force anyone to do anything, get out of my head!". I do it everyday several times a day and it just doesnt seem to stop. Along with all the yelling I do at it, it has also turned into swearing at it like a sailor (lots of bad words, especially the "F" word). I still find myself from time to time breaking down and crying in anger and frustration begging this to leave me alone. It gets so bad sometimes that I find myself mumbling that "I just want to die" or "theres no way out, I have to kill myself". Sometimes when I pray also I swear I can hear someone else behind my mind praying the opposite of what im saying. For example im praying "God please help me in figuring out whats wrong and to take it away" while I swear I hear "God thank you for choosing me" sort of at the same time but I cant make it out. When it happens I get very angry and start yelling at myself "you cant pray without me!!" or "you cant pray without my permission!!". I just dont know how to make it stop. It seems so convincing sometimes, but in my heart I just cant believe what im being told. This just doesnt feel right. I feel so alone and desperate. Ive talked to a few friends about it but it seems like the story just gets old to them and they always say the same thing as "I dont know what to tell you". I need help, I want comfort knowing all this isnt true and normal. I am in a desperate state.
I am a religious person, I am christian. Ive already talked to my elders in my church and they agreed that God wouldnt do this to somebody. So I started to suspect maybe something mental. My older half brother who is 29 is diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia. My younger brother of 18 had ADHD when he was young and was on medicine but kinda grew out of it and seems to be doing fine. My other younger brother who is 20 has no official diagnosis seems to be suffering from maybe bipolar disorder. He has very bad temper problems and mood swings. He suffered a head injury and I believe its affected him mentally but he refuses to seek help. My mom has told me that her side of the family has a long history of mental retardation, but not exactly mental illness. I dont know if those are related in any way. I dont know to much about my fathers side, he left when I was 8 or 10
I am open to any comments and suggestions. I just began seeing a psychologist and she said that I could be hearing voices but just cant really seem to grasp it yet. As I had explained I dont hear them literally like another person talking to me, I just know whats being told to me, sort of like through thoughts or maybe messages, somehow I just understand whats being said. Who knows maybe it is voices but I just dont know it yet. Anyways, I would really appreciate if someone can relate to me or maybe shed some light on whats happening. Maybe this is the beginning of a mental illness for me and it hasnt fully bloomed yet. I am 22, I am still holding down my job but everything from my social life to financial circumstances are suffering cause I dont want to do anything no more. I sit in my room sometimes all day by myself doing pretty much nothing. Its been hard to fall asleep lately cause I end up yelling at myself or the thoughts until i practically get to tired and just knock out. I am about to start on a medication I believe called "respieradone", not sure how thats spelled. I am praying to God that this works so I can get back to my life. If anyone else has any suggestions or opinions please share with me. One thing I want to get straight is I will not give in and believe this. I tried and I just cant because my heart feels it is wrong. So if your going to try and convince me that this is God please dont. I refuse to believe he would put me through this hell that Ive been going through for a month
Ive shared as much information as I can, everything I can think of. Somebody please help me.
If you want to ask me anything else feel free, I am willing to listen to anything anyone has to say that could help make this go away. Talking about it surely helps. Someone said it sounded like intrusive thoughts to them. I am not sure if these thoughts im having could be linked to some sort of OCD. But im willing to hear suggestions and opinions. I guess after looking back at it all. I dont believe there voices. They really seem to be all thoughts. Anyway. If you read my story, thank you. I really appreciate it. I mean I have gotten so tired lately of these thoughts that I have tried to believe them, but in the end, I really dont. It all seems confusing. Very doubtful. I hate this. I guess I went suicidal cause my life revolved around my faith. I now I feel I am being persecuted.