I'm having a rough evening. Well, day I guess. My husband came home from workin a really bad mood at 8:30 a.m., and he was mean and tired. So our usual Friday out together was cancelled. I was bummed, but decided to do something useful with myself. So I spent several hours cleaning after I got offline, vacuuming up all the cobwebs off the walls, pictures, and figurines in the upstairs, plus vacuuming the upstairs floors.

I eventually took a nap, but it got interrupted time and time again. I finally got to rest at about 3:30, when I originally laid down around 2 p.m. So at 4:30 my son wakes me up by snuggling up on top of me. I enjoyed that part. But then Aaron started picking at Zachary and started arguments with our son (which does NOT help when we're having defiance issues now anyhow) and so of course Zachary begins to mouth off.

Needless to say I got up. And I was NOT happy with it.

But I spent time with Zachary, just the two of us~ and as always, we get along just fine with very little back-talk or defiance. I really believe most of the problems we have with his defiance was created by Aaron's behavior as a father. He picks on him like he's a littlebrother, and then gets really angry at yells at Zach when Zachary responds in the exact same way. I really think Zachary can't understand the difference of when Aaron is picking on him to play with him (which I don't like at all, and have said so many times) or taunting him, and the times when it's innapropriate to behave like that. It all just needs to stop!

In the meantime Aaron goes back tosleep on the couch even though we have to go to the store to pick up medications for both of us. Hesaid to me, "It can wait until tomorrow~ I don't need them tonight…". I got irrationally mad, because I felt like he was only thinking of himself. I yelled at him to get up,because I needed MY medstonight and we had to figure outsomething to do about dinner. (Iget so mad at him becausehe's the only adult in this household thatdoesn't cook for the family. He only cooks when he's hungry and wants to feed his own face, notworrying about anyone else.)

So we go to the store, and the whole waythere the two of them are arguing, yelling back and forth. Aaron's being a jerk, Zachary's being defensive andgetting rude back to him, and my head just feelslike it's going to explode! I keep thinking, "keepyour mouth shut, keep your mouth shut…you'll regret what you say!". But I yelled at them both anyhowto be quiet and not say another word.

This is one of the things I really dislike about my husband. Inso many ways he's still a child, and does childish things. He won't clean up after himself, he won't do yardwork, he won't even put away clean clothesthat I've laundered for him and folded. If I don't do it then it doesn'tget taken care of, and the cats end up sleeping on it and I have to wash itagain. When he's home he's either asleep or watching tv or playing games on the computer ortalking to his Dad or Momon the phone. He just simply sits on his butt, andthen gets mad when I don't want to join him. Whyshould I joinhim? He's not going to be spendingquality time with me~ I'mjust a cushion hecan use to lay on while he wastes his life watching sports or history or whateverhappens to be on.

Don't get me wrong~ I don't like tv, but I don't have a problemwith other people watching it. Itjust really rubs me the wrong way that he watches it all night at work, then comes home and does the same damn thing in his waking hours, which are fewanyhow. Where's your desire to spend time with thepeople you love? It disgusts and frustrates me so much.

When we got home from the store andhad listened to another1/2 hour of them bickering I just lost it and started yellingat both of them. Pretty much to the effect that if you can't treat each other decently, or me for that matter, shut your face and leave one another alone!

I stormed off into the house and started to set up dinner, but even that I obviously couldn't do right, because Aaron had to come over and"correct" me. Didhe read the directions on the package? No. DidI? YES. I threw the knife downon the counterand he yelled at me. I lost it, got close to his face, pointed to his face and said "KISS…MY…ASS." And glared at him. So he started yelling at me how I wouldn't standfor him to talk to me that way, so why would Isay that to him. I toldhimI didn't give ash*t at that point and went outside.

I grudgingly went in and ate dinner, mostly to protect Zachary from Aaron's crap, and then immediately came outside and got online afterwards. I don't want to be around him right now. Truthfully I'm so sick of this crap that I want to strangle him right now. I don't trust myself to not say something that will really hurt our relationship even more~ so out here on the porch is where I'll stay until I feel like I have control of my anger.

This is one of things I truly hate about bipolar disorder; yelling and arguing throw me into a really bad place emotionally and I react in one of 2 ways. The first is running away from it, hiding from it until I can think again. The second is the stronger instinct~ fight, rage, inflict emotional or physical damage, say things so horrible that it'll shut them up! It's a trigger for me, probably from all the years of drunken hatred from my step-Dad when I was a teen. I can still hear him slinging his hateful, slurred words at me in a voice loud enough to wake the whole neighborhood. And I am overpowered by the feelling of powerless rage that has no outlet, no way to channel it elsewhere, so I run in the night until I'm in awful pain, sick from runningso far and so hard,sick with the feelings of uncotrolled hate uncurling and pulsing in my veins~ no blood there, just boiling heat of rage.And even now, there's where I'm back to in my heartand my mind when the anger is triggered.

Ifeel like such a horrible person tonight. I'm angry, irritated, agitated, mean and cold. This aspect of my personalityis one I don't show veryoften, but it used to consume me all of the time when I wasyounger. I shames me.

It's timeslike these that I just want to pack mybags and go away somewhere alonefor awhile. Somewhere quiet and secluded, where I'll be left alone in peace, no one to provide for or take care of except me…and I dearly need it right now. Maybe I'll go rent a room on the beach for the night, so I can walk along the shoreline in the dark, watch the irridescence of the foam wash around my feet, feel connected to the ocean and the earth, grounded and allow the water to wash away and cool the anger like lava dropping into the waves. I wonder if I'll steam like that?

1 Comment
  1. Aswa 9 years ago

    Dear Key ~ I understand your pain. I have lived through something similar. You have expressed it beautifully here. I have walked the shoreline in the dark and felt connected to the ocean and the earth. I love your blogs. You write so well. Take Care, Aswa.

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