I generally wake up between 11:00 am to 3:00 pm, depending if I'm working that day or not. Waking up is a tremendous struggle, I have trouble willingly leaving my bed. Head downstairs past my grandfather to shower. I always wash my hair but have trouble with the rest. I feel dizzy and cloudy alot. I'll spend about 20 mins sitting scrunched up in my shower, wishing I could stay home from work and crawl back in bed. I often have anxiety attacks during this time about my mom. We spend little time together and she's incredibly sad. For which I always feel completely responsible. Dress, fix hair, then back upstairs to wait for cab to go to work. Sometimes my brother rides with me depending on his work schedule. Smoke cigarette, drink a monster, then clock in. I'm a cook so generally I prep til 4 or so, then set my station up. I hate this job. My head chef is an ignorant monster. He treats everyone like dirt. Yelling and making spectacles of us. The job is mechanical for me now, I'm a good cook but he makes me hate it. Whenever possible I stay high there. Weed, adderall, pills, whatever. Get off work, smoke cigarette. Cab home. Spend time with my Mom if she's still up. She's always sad which makes me worse. Head to my room, and smoke more weed. Every night every night. I can't sleep without it. I watch and rewatch my DVDs, anything to placate my mind. Without weed I try to alcohol, but it makes me sick a lot and doesn't really help me sleep. On nights like tonight, I have nothing. My mind torments me with thoughts of my mom's/brothers sadness. I feel scared and empty. I've lost my identity because I've become a vessel to make others happy. I have no opinions, hopes, aspirations. I'm a living shell wishing for the day I cease to be. This is every day, every fucking day. I can't change, I feel to far gone to do so. I try but my fears and thoughts drive me to drugs. I feel very close to dying, to feeling peace. I hope something comes of this. As I've never been more honest or open in my life. I'm 21 but I still feel like a trapped kid.
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College Blues
oomnydevotchka, , OCD, Depression, OCD, Schizophrenia, Therapist, Therapy, 2
So, it's 2:00 in the afternoon, and I am currently the only person on my residence hall floor who...
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Help….pocd again
emorym, , OCD, Anger, Anxiety, OCD, Sex Therapy, 1
i thank those of you who commented on my last post…i really to appreciate it. i was just starting...
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still some COVID-OCD, also irresponsible journalist anxiety
Abby-Meiyum, , Anxiety, OCD, Anxiety, Career, Depression, Grief, OCD, Sleep Disorders, 0
A: I still have some mild headache symptoms, and today some indigestion B: If I don’t continue to wash...
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Does my husband have OCD?
rozlee, , OCD, Alzheimer's, Anger, OCD, Personality Disorder, Relationships, 0
I am a 52-year-old retired Army veteran of the Gulf War married to a 72-year-old Vietnam war vet....
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Unrelated to the OCD, but wow.
Misconceptions, , OCD, Anger, Anxiety, Child, OCD, Relationships, Sleep Disorders, 1
I don't know how to deal with this. This new apartment is nearly perfect, EXCEPT for the people believe...
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Quotes- I had them on my page but I took them off
Rose, , OCD, Anger, Anxiety, Career, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Depression, OCD, Questions, Therapy, 2
The more you try to avoid suffering, the more you suffer because smaller things begin to torture you in...
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More Thoughts Than Expected!!
Crazydancechick, , OCD, Anger, Child, Relationships, Stress, 0
WOOHOO I just changed my dating status to \'dating\'….oooooo This year is going to be BIG….HUGE for me. Majority...
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Struggling.
treasureL, , OCD, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, OCD, 4
Having OCD, some days, is just hard. Seeing as how I literally just recovered from bawling my eyes out...
You may need to leave home Josh. You may need to have issues like paying the rent, food and electricmbills to ground you. To give you a purpose for working.
As for your mother, Have you taken her to the doctor for a diagnosis? To me it sounds like deep depression with perhaps some nutritional deficits.
If she is depressed, she can be helped. In the meantime, your self medication may well kill you.
We are all here for you… I`m sorry that you are going through this…
I know how you are feeling but we are all here for you and to help if we can message me anytime you need to talk please stay strong it does get better with prescription drugs and therapy self medicating could cause more damage.