Disney. It is a word synonymous with “happy”. We buy the movies. We go to the theaters. We visit the parks. We hug total strangers dressed up like our favorite characters. We purchase more merchandise. Let’s talk about Disney and exactly what is wrong with Disney culture.

I would like to start with Snow White—the first feature length film Disney plastered across a huge screen for tots to marvel at. Let me preface this by saying that Snow White is one of my favorite Disney princesses. That stated…I am deeply disturbed by her situation out in the woods. Now, call me an old-fashioned girl, but you wait to be “asked” before you just move yourself into somebody’s dirty cottage and enslave animals to clean it up with you. Now, I know this is before Disney had resorts, but what a tie-in that could have been. Snow White gets taken to the woods…Snow White is told to get lost…Snow White finds a conveniently located Port Orleans Resort (and maybe gets a job cleaning rooms with her merry band of animals that get nothing for all the hard work they put in). Hey…it’s the 1930’s. I get it. Snow White can’t even go to Boys Town. And who really needs to when there is a house right there in the woods that you can take over because you believe the inhabitants are younger than you are. We move to our dwarves returning from their gem mines. Seven men own an endless supply of gems…and it has never occurred to them to hire a housekeeper or…you know…build seven houses to decorate to their own tastes. One cottage…seven unkempt men, disgruntled and returning from the mines. Is this West Virginia? Also, could you please tell me where the female dwarves live? Are there any? Because as wealthy bachelors…these pint-sized potential paramours could have a honey on each arm—even Dopey. Again, it’s the 1930’s…better be a workaholic or you’re apt to get fired by your…brothers? Cousins? Uh…are the dwarves related in any fashion? They share a striking resemblance to one another and…there IS Dopey. Yes, this is starting to look like the fairytale kingdom version of West Virginia more and more. Call me weird, but back at the cottage, Snow White has fallen into a comfortable sleep across seven little beds…because those little inhabitants are going to make do with the floor now that she’s taking over. SURPRISE! They’re dwarves…and you still have the gall to tell them to wash up before eating. When did you become the hygiene police, Snow White? I’ve seen no bathroom. You just cleaned their entire house (or your furry friends who also use the bathroom outdoors and don’t wash did)…maybe you should scrub up too. And then, ladies and gentlemen…we know what happens. Snow White becomes a pseudo-prostitute to have a place to stay. I don’t know if there’s much of a plot left to this film. Snow White takes an apple from this poor old woman who sure looks like she could use the nourishment more than Snow White could…and flop…she’s technically…uh…what is she Walt? In a persistent vegetative state? Where’s her feeding tube? I vote with the dwarves…let’s put her in a glass casket so we can watch her sleep (voyeuristic dwarves)…or decompose. Then Prince Charming arrives. At least…I think it’s Prince Charming. I think Cinderella might have gotten lost on her way to her own movie, slapped on a wig and some man’s clothes, and is riding around the forest because…wow…he’s pretty. I want to know all about his skincare regimen. I didn’t know metrosexuals existed in Disney films. It’s been a while since I’ve flipped through How to Survive in the Woods, so I’m going to go with Prince Charming’s instinct as I’m sure his outdoor skills are superior to mine. See a woman who looks dead in a glass casket…get turned on…kiss seemingly dead woman. IT’S ALIVE! And who cares about the dwarves anymore…this is the Disney equivalent of love at first sight (kiss a girl who is unconscious…wake her…marry her). DWARVES, GET YOUR LAZY SELVES BACK TO THE MINES TO PROVIDE US WITH AN INCOME OF GEMS!

Yeah. Not a big fan of the Disney princesses. It’s a clique. You’re in…or you’re out. Aurora (one hundred years of beauty sleep and guys are still looking to kiss you), Jasmine, Cinderella (why didn’t you go find some dwarves to take you in?), Belle (if it doesn’t look like your own species…shoot it and mount its head on the wall), Tiana, Ariel (you’re a glorified fish), Snow White, uh…Rapunzel…you’re in. Mulan, you’re not a princess—you’re Disney’s Yentl. Pocahontas…you’re a chief’s daughter, but that doesn’t mean much—go find a reservation and a bottle of Jim Beam. Sofia the First…you’re a princess, but you have a curfew. Peter Pan…you can’t be a princess even if you are played by a woman on stage. No animal from a Disney film counts as a princess (and how much of a lady is Lady when she’s having a litter with Tramp without the benefits of a wedding?). An interesting note to park enthusiasts…until recently, Disney employees who wore those darling outfits had to wear Disney issued underwear, as well…until a case of crabs popped up and Disney got sued…and now people can wear their own underwear. Think about it next time you’re mugging with Captain Hook or Minnie.
We do have princes from the animal kingdom, though. Bambi…wow…therapy much? And Simba. I’m going to focus on Bambi because…Steven Spielberg takes guns out of ET…but Walt Disney leaves them in Bambi. Let’s knock off a doe and orphan a really tiny deer. Animals talk and someone will take him in. I hear there’s a cottage not so far away where he can gain employment cleaning up after dwarves…and even if he doesn’t get paid…he can really feel good about himself for contributing to the cleanliness of the forest.

Song of the South. Where did it go? I’ll tell you…out of the country. Despite a couple resorts that sported a plantation-esque atmosphere…the first rule of Disney is you do not talk about Song of the South. The second rule of Disney is YOU DO NOT TALK ABOUT SONG OF THE SOUTH. Slavery is bad…and even if animals are enslaved in Disney films…we like to pretend we never enslaved African Americans. So…if you want Song of the South…better order a region-free dvd player and a region 2 copy of the film. We show just how much we love African Americans in The Princess and the Frog. You know…the one where Tiana’s family is poor and her best friend is a rich white girl…and uh…Tiana’s big dream is to open a restaurant. Yes…Disney is African American friendly now. African Americans can be anything they want to be in film…except born princesses…or…you know…employed in something that requires an education…or…heck…having fun because there’s always work to do (Tiana and Cinderella…where were you the day Snow White conned animals into doing work for her?).

Let’s get to my favorite topic involving Disney…the thing that baffles my mind and sends me on rants all night. Take a deep breath…because this is long and I can’t shut up about it. Winnie the Pooh. Now, I’ve had a vendetta against Winnie the Pooh since they removed Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride at Disneyworld (recognized as the superior track) to make room for a Winnie the Pooh ride. Let’s talk about Winnie the Pooh…shall we?

Now…I look at other Disney creations before I look at A.A. Milne’s abomination. Mickey…wears pants. Goofy…wears pants. Donald goes without, but he has feathers and I’m really not too sure on bird anatomy. Pluto goes commando because Pluto doesn’t talk and doesn’t know the no shoes, no service rule (I’m pretty sure pants are a given in that rule). So…we have Winnie the Pooh…arguably the worst role model in the Disney line.

Does Pooh wear pants? No. He does wear a shirt that doesn’t fit him, though…which implies he knows about his nakedness and opted to go for a top. Hey, just me…I would’ve gone for the pants first if you’re on a fixed budget because you’ve got friends in the Hundred Acre Wood (most unclothed, too) and really…when you visit somebody’s house, your bear junk should be tucked away beneath some shorts. When you hug Christopher Robin or anybody else…again…you should not be half-naked and passing out free cuddles. Let’s move on.

Why else is Pooh a poor role model? Um…wow…am I the only person who has noticed that shirt is so tiny it couldn’t even act as a napkin for him while he’s eating? Winnie needs a workout…and fast…or we’re going to have a Disney animated film called Pooh’s Angioplasty. He’s obese. And while I dig the message that it’s ok to be who you are…I’m not digging the whole “I’m sexy and I know it” vibe from Pooh. No, Pooh. You need to fit into your clothes if you’ve made a conscious choice to wear them. Buy bigger or lose some baggage. And stop sneaking in windows where you know you’re going to get stuck. It’s really sad. Which brings us to another reason Pooh is a poor role model…

Pooh is a bad friend. Hey, I get that he’s a bear. Really, I do. However, you don’t give somebody an empty honey pot for their birthday present. It’s thoughtless, self-centered, rude, unfriendly, and contributing to his weight problem. Pooh needs an intervention…fast. He’s eating more honey than the Hundred Acre Wood can supply him with. Pooh’s no ecologist. No wonder we are having bee die-offs now.

Pooh can’t spell. This does not make him a poor role model at the outset. Hey…we have all been at the learning stage of how to write things. Pooh? Doesn’t care. Pooh writes Hunny and just goes with it. Pooh isn’t interested in bettering himself. Get ready to work for Snow White, Pooh, because you’re not getting into college. By the way…where’s Roo’s father? Why doesn’t Piglet (implying a baby animal) have any family? Why doesn’t Eeyore just put on some black eyeliner and become the emo goth donkey he already is? When is Christopher Robin going to think up a hot chick for the Hundred Acre Wood? One who knows how to spell “honey”? I thought I was alone in this…until I found several websites detailing how awful Winnie the Pooh is. He doesn’t work (and I believe if he whistled while he did it…he would pass out). He doesn’t serve a purpose. Google it.

Anyway, that’s all from me. I’ll update on life at a later time. Ciao all and have fun.