so, basically, i feel like i broke my perception on everything. my ocd is stuck obsessing mainly over the way the human brain works. when youre doing anything, feeling anything, watching anything, remembering anything, you can only process one scene at a time, the moment, even remembering things you can only replay them, whatever order, one scene at a time, the human brain cant focus on more than one thing that well. which is fine, never bothered me before, but it is now. i think it may just be my ocd wanting to get that "just right" feeling, and it feels wrong, but im scared it wont go away. thing is, i feel i need to intepret the whole situation aall at once, not subconciously like the mind does, but all of it consciously. if the mind could do this, itd be a nightmare for ocd, id imagine, being able to process things completely consciously at the same time, you wouldnt be able to handle it if you were obsessing on different things at the same time able to focus on both, or maybe you would, who knows as far as i know it is impossible for the human brain to do that. however, im scared i will not be able to ever enjoy and be ok with how the human brain works, living in the moment, enjoying the things in life, how do i do that? what if its never ok again? also my ocd is on ultra roids lately, i know for sure if this obsession doesnt fade i will need to off myself cuz i cant live with it, i just rlly hope that it does fade :/ im catholic, so i prayed to God, asked Him to help me be ok with it, to be able to enjoy life like regular people and even if i cant describe it right let everything be ok, even though i dont desrve His help. i told Him to help others who need help first though, theyre more important than me, and i genuinely mean that, although part of me, being human, rlly hopes He helps me, but i dont want Him to help me first, if its one or the other save the others, thats how i feel.anyways, im basically screwed, no i AM 500% screwed. but on a related side note, last night i wrote and recorded this song based on how i was feeling, it has vulgar language so if such language bothers you, youve been warned, here it is:https://soundcloud.com/mentally-scorn/mentally-scorn-pulse
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Music is such a great way to release our emotions – I love your song – it's raw and real and I like that.
I think of my ocd as this train with bullies working on it – these bullies drag me to the train and then make me watch as they load every thing I love, onto the train; my kids, my parents, my siblings, my dogs, my laughter, my smile, my pride, my selfesteem, my ability to love or be normal at all, my favorite foods, my friends – all of it – everything that ever made me happy and "normal", they load on to that train and then speed away. There is nothing I can do to stop it – I am not strong or fast enough to catch it, so a doctor appears and hands me a bottle of pills and says, "here, take these, they MIGHT make you strong enough to catch that train, but if they don't work, I'll give you different pills to try", and so-on and so-on……I have to stop that train – it has my entire life and reason for living on it, I just don't know how. So you aren't alone in your agony, I just wanted you to know that.
You sound as though you want to be a computer.