Feeding your Cat: The Feline Perspective

I eat, I sleep, and on occasion I grace you with my presence. It is to my disadvantage that of the three I am wholly dependent on you, my owner, to be fed. The following short dissertation shall be for you a guide, a set of instructions if you will, for you to follow in setting habits for my dining pleasure. In following the said instructions please bear in mind that these relate to my wishes and only mine. This is as it should be, because you are my owner and it is my delicate palate that requires your full attention. So, without further hesitation, I offer the following suggestions for tableware (bowls and dishes), schedules, and repast (this means food).

As with any sophisticated dining experience I have found that what you put my food in to be at least as important as the food itself. For maximum décor I suggest that my food bowl be of the glass or porcelain variety. It is much more elegant than a cheap pie tin or something from your supply of Tupperware in the kitchen cupboard. I am completely amenable to an artful design on my dinnerware. However, anything labeled "Kitty" or "The Cat" seems to me without taste or intelligent thought. Indeed, I am the only cat you have. I do not need reminding that my dinner bowl is intended for me. I hope you do not either.

I prefer that my food come at regular intervals each day. The all day and all night feeder contraption was a most horrid experiment. After all I am not able to eat ten pounds of food at one sitting. The idea that you should only have to make the effort to see to my hunger once a week disgusts me and says little for your commitment to my happiness. Please provide fresh food twice daily in sufficient portions. I should rather like the late morning and early evenings as designated mealtimes. I will be sure to bother you at other times when I am in the mood for a snack or a sample of what you are having. With some practice you should be able to anticipate my needs and I will not take your missing a scheduled feeding lightly. You do not think my screaming in the middle of the night when I am starving an accident do you? Enough said.

Finally, and most importantly, what you choose to feed me deserves careful and thoughtful consideration. I have become accustomed to the dry, crunchy style of food that always seems to be given in abundance. On the rare occasion that I am provided a reprieve and served food from a can, I am most thankful. You have shown brief glimpses of your caring nature when carefully selecting a flavor, popping the top off the can, and spooning the most fragrant and moist delicacy into my bowl. If you have not noticed, I am always watching with great anticipation on these momentous events. Can you remember that last time I stood with such rapt attention for the dry stuff? If you care for me at all you will increase the frequency of feeding me what I call the ‘good stuff’ for my dining pleasure.

So this is my request. Please follow this very simple, yet eloquently written, guide to my dining needs. Choice of serving bowls, time and regularity of meals, and variety of servings are the three main contributors to my happiness. I believe it to be rather straight forward and of easy comprehension. However, you may feel the need to read it several times to get the full meaning. After all, I should think I would not have had to write this at all if you had paid any attention to me in the first place.

…..Woot an A!