an old friend came to visit recently. its name is alb majrouh (broken heart). just when i let my guard down and allow someone to go over and thru my gates of peace that led to the healing stage of my recovery from a brutal long lasting storm.
maybe it was too soon to restart a relationship. maybe this or that… only Allah knows. so why should i waste the time more in thinking of what the hell went wrong and then when i think i understand the answer, here he comes still disowning what he has done this whole time to contionously gaslight and abuse of me so emotionally and so deeply to the point where even i have become so disgusted with myself.
yes, im fat. yes i have some physical defects. but he had as well and i didnt mind, the extra work i had to give to care for him.
because thats what a loving believing muslim wife does. we take care of our man, so well and so good that he nevers lacks in anything that i am quite capable in handling for him, so he can rest and he can recover from his own mess of horrors that he has survived. or so its how he sung that song.
in my heart of hearts, i love him, and i would have went into the hellfire for him and with him should it have come to that point.
just i needed his work on the building of the foundation to our new world a bit more serious and lots more reassuring.
slowly the trust and repsect faded like a nasty smell fart that fills the air. even with his flaws and rudeness and pure obscenities, i endured it. after 4 years of no tears being shed, my face becomes burnt from the ocean of tears that fell from my eyes to my face.
now i am dry again. disgusted with myself, i find the reasons why he left me and amplify it to his perception and though it doesnt fit, i make it fit like stubborn pillow fitting into its cover.
sadness is not just it. its hopelessness enveloped with pain that i thought i will never been able to feel again.
when a man u gave your whole encompassing love and commitment to shows his true colors and starts to choke you, pinches you into submission to his sexual appetite, and squeezes the hand you just had surgery on and are still in recovery? yes there is definitely a problem and its not me.
because he chose to be here with me. he chose the words he told me to lure me into his trap of deception.
that doesnt give him the right to abuse of me and use my low self esteem to excercise his hands while round my neck or squeezing my hand.