I was diagnosed this year,  I have one more session with my counsellor, I feel like how will i cope without someone to steer me in the right direction as i come to terms with dealing with my status, my relationships in the future, the queries that pop into mind or wonders I have outside if the medical side of being hiv positive.
recently being told i am so positive, imagine my reaction, as i tried to look “normal and not say well I sure am, a laugh or cry moment
I feel like my old self, i have been told i am looking good at the moment, yes unknown to these people it is likely to be my medication. OH man lately i feel as i am living a secret life is to hard, I am open which is hard.
I have feelings for my previous partner, who has likely been informed but has not asked me or mentioned to me, i feel like what the hell will i do if questioned let alone of any infection, why because he is the father of my child, our baby is negative thank god, my councellor said to deny it, how could i, then of course, will he reject our baby, this is the most overwhelming situation i have ever faced.
A double life, becoming a mum, the joys the experience the being know to the medical team in hospital then slipping ino life as a hiv mother, its very hard, i have anxiety,,the oh baby talk of does he sleep you poor thing, oh it passes the newborn stage the crawling the crying, but i love all of it, i am so grateful i have a beatiful baby who i adore, unbeknown he is special and i can breath knowing he is health, happy, h has been my therapy in this as well, i worry this is not good in someways but i look at it as bonding. i hope to inform my baby one day.  now i struggle as i think i want to be a family will we be understood or will he walk away to never be seen again, I look my status of undetectable and think this is where i strived to be months ago i got here in 4 weeks, if only i could be closer to a few i know we could discuss this.
I get anxious myself, i find some people with hiv inspiring they are so open, confident and i only wish to be this one day, as for now i have a child to protect, they have to go to childcare, school, i am not prepared to risk there childhood experiences or have no friends because of my status, this is scary just scary.
I went to visit a family member who lives in a small community I drive past the guy who works in the hospital where and who has seen me twice pick up my medication, he speaks to me, moments like this happen and i stop and think I hate this,, he probably thinks nothing of it -but I do, there again my secret life, i hate hiding what should be able to talk about, it is my blood it is not me or my mind that is poisoned
I must say my attitude, i feel like my old self, happy again, i was so worried i would become depressed, i vowed to myself i wouldn’t i am responsible for a small person i have no time to be depressed i said to my councillor, I have one session to go, i find it may be crammed with scenarios, i know i will be told to sit back and breath.
Although i  feel so alone not in a depressing way in a crave for dad to be here, sharing experiences, I feel like a yo yo, happy and fulfilled in so many ways, man has his made me grateful if anything,  so how do I begin to come to terms with this being a hiv parent, i have no idea, I am writing this as a way to remember as well, because one day ill look back and it hopefully wont be a factor, who knows.
I would like to read a hiv biography maybe that will help.
Why is Hiv so controversial?  I really struggle to make sense why, how, as a nurse said its not as bad as having hepatitis, i know little of it myself, what did she think of having to take blood off a pregnant hiv patient, she responded I am like every other person, i was surprised and quietly touched by this.
Now I begin the next phase i call it for myself of how others have coped, cope, and learn of this horrid secret i carry.
I will take time to read The Tribe blogs, to me it will help, I hope one day to help others in there life with hiv, i imagine i can sit as my new friend does with her quiet confidence and we are able to openly talk.