I seem to have an issue in life that I deal with the best I can & yet that doesn't seem good enough 4 my mother. In her eyes I am a failure with nothing in my life that I have ever done is good enough or was a positive thing. I call her as I know she is older living with my sister having been asked by my sister to call my mother ever few days. I can't do that & she doesn't understand why – yet she says she does I don't think she is listening to me or what I am telling her. I know she needs help with my mother however I am not that person to help.

The stress I go through just in one phone call from my mother creates so much pain and a whole in my heart that I wish was filled. I'm a failure – I'm not good enough & all I hear from her is hate, anger, bad language, etc. so I have to hang up on her after 10 min or so because I just can't take it. She does her best to get me to argue with her & I won't declining I say I won't argue with you, (yes you are right you are always right and everyone is always wrong.) I don't say that yet it is in my mind.

My mother believes everything she sees on tv, or reads in a book, or she has watched a show so she knows better then everyone, & everyone is stupid, etc I just hate that language & I don't want it even around me. I walk away ugliness like that can stay with her if she wishes, however I wish she would let it go before she dies an old bitter hateful woman.

I felt so great this morning even had a compliment from someone telling me they haven't seen me in such a good mood in a long time. The whole time they told me that I held back my tears & from walking away. I said a few things to him sine he is becoming my friend yet he was working too.

There's a part of me that says list all the things I have done, show her that she is wrong & I have to laugh remembering rule # 1 to my mom. #1 rule she is never wrong & she knows best! I would go on with the list yet that brings tears to my eyes as well.

I think sometimes that I need to walk away never calliing her any more, treating her as if she didn't exhist in my life. Realizing that my mom is changing, getting worse in her old age I'm just uncertain on how to help her. I am at the point I need to do what is best for me which is why I hardly ever call, does that make me a terrable person?

Thanks for letting me share. I'm going to get my loving dog and go for a small walk at the park & hopefully let all this behind. It is not my truth & I accept none of it, this is my mother's false reality & I choose not to live in that type of a world or life.

 

1 Comment
  1. yuoz 11 years ago

     Thank you all, yes my mother is ill & I keep that in heart & mind.  I know she doesn't mean what she says and doesn't remember them.  I think she believes at time I am my dad and takes her anger out on me, however I could be wrong with that too.

    I love my mother dearly and would do anything for her to a point. I had a beautiful hike yesterday and after all this time I found out one big thing.

    I can see comments now here lol.  I never seen them all before until today.  đź™‚

    Namaste'

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