My OCD is centered around emetophobia, which is fear of vomiting. Naturally, contracting the stomach virus would be number one on my “fear hierarchy.” Well, my time finally came and two days ago, I spent the night sweating and trembling on my bathroom floor between heaves. I was able to keep an Ativan down, so I survived, but now, two days later, I am consumed by a desire to compulse. To clean, to sanitize, to Lysol, to throw out everything that may have a germ on it. Why? To keep my fiancé from catching it. Why? Because then my anxiety will last and last and last. Why? Because I can’t trust him to contain the spread of germs. So what? I DONT KNOW. I already had it! I’m the reason the germs are here in the first place! I can’t figure this fear out. The one thing my mind keeps trying to tell me I’m sure of, is that I am not a normal person. You see, I’m a therapist. I’m about to be sitting for my LCSW exam, and I’ll be getting married in the fall. These OCD flare ups make me feel like none of that is possible for me. They make me feel like I will never be loved, or cared for, or respected because my mind is irrational and takes control over me and makes me lose myself. I fight to reclaim myself. I fight to keep my mind and my sanity and my LIFE from this illness that makes me feel like nothing. I felt so good, and now I feel so bad. But the bad is temporary. I am not my illness. I am not the drowning, dark, fear that makes me feel so alone and swallowed and empty. The bad is temporary. The bad is temporary.
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Just nothing
snowdreamer, , Depression, Depression, Relationships, Sleep Disorders, 0
I got to sleep in again this morning and it felt good until I got up and then it's...
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Becoming the Board
RandomGirl, , OCD, Anxiety, Career, OCD, Relationships, Religion, Therapist, 0
It has been a great spring break. I have gotten so much accomplished with almost no anxiety! First, I...
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Overwhelmed
GetBetter, , Depression, Grief, Relationships, 0
I seriously just want to cut right now. I feel extremly overwhelmed, it's like today was the day that...
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Achievements and doubt
chez, , OCD, Anxiety, OCD, Relationships, Social Anxiety, 1
so this weekend I achieved something but then something happened and made me doubt everything. Friday afternoon I traveled...
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Changes
precious_desire87, , Depression, Anxiety, Parenting, 0
I made some big changes in my life. I switched my major from electrical engineering to environmental engineering. With...
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Listening to even more self-pity today.
Ghostgirl, , Depression, 2
Day three, still irritable. Woke up at 11:30 only to hear more BS from my Mom. "I pity your...
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November 26, 2013
sosgirl, , Depression, Addiction, Depression, Domestic Abuse, Herbal Remedies, Therapy, 1
Like I thought it would, my depressive episodes came back. They're so close together that I can't even tell...
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Hanging on…barely
TessErin, , Depression, Depression, Religion, Suicide, Therapist, 0
I think I found a potential new therapist. He is on my parents' insurance webpage and the name of...
I almost skipped over your blog, as I do not have OCD nor do I have anyone close to me with OCD. As I read, I started thinking “I cannot relate to this person. I have never experienced this. I have no advice or thoughts to offer.” Then you said you are a therapist. What hit me was this: “Who better to help others through these episodes than you?” I know it is hard to see while you are in the middle of an OCD sanitizing spree, But, you will be able to understand others better than most. I cannot come up with any reason why you did the things you did today. But I will say, thanks for sharing. I think you will be able to help a lot of people when you do begin to practice.