pain….frustration…aggravation….anxiety…..grief….and on and on the list grows.         

*sigh     

Before i even begin, let me apologize for my repetition.  i must seem like a broken record, by now.  i am truly sorry for that.  With that being said, though, if nothing’s really changed…..well, you get my drift.  i’m sure i could be trying a bit more of the “positive thinking” for my own situation, but with all the other stuff that’s going on–like my physical body, for instance–positive outlook isn’t coming very easy these days.  The other side of that same coin, as i’m sure several of you already know–all too well–is the one that continues to beat myself up for my own choices and booboos.  i keep wondering if any of it will EVER get any easier….the grief and pain from losing Shelby, and just trying to figure out what kind of set-up might ever happen for her going away party, or that i may even be capable of orchestrating; the pain and issues that her son/my grandson is having to endure, as a result of her death, and a couple months later, his other grandmother’s death–in the same home;  if my own son ever want anything to do with me or ever speak to me again; will this internal dialogue of pain and trauma ever ease;  is it going to take landing in the emergency room before i can find any relief or/and any sleep….these sorta things stay on my mind constantly.  i may have simple so-called pleasures, especially where my interests are concerned, but my thoughts don’t really seem to be very simple, most days.  i did explain–in a little more detail–to my husband, the extent of what’s going on with my physical body.  i knew he was having trouble understanding the actual situation, as well as my inactivity in being proactive with my roommates.  i don’t think it helped, though, because now, i feel he’s worried even more.  *sigh                      —Generally, if i feel a need to explain further, especially where my own health is concerned, it is never to worry anyone.  i despise the fact that anyone is worried/concerned/etc. over my well-being, if that makes sense.  Of course, i worry over other people, but when i’m the subject, i’d prefer helpful suggestions and another outlook or input, rather than stress and worry over me.  —i don’t know if that makes sense.  i’d much rather prefer to be “a bug on the wall,” than the center of attention.  For now, though, i’m just so tired….i’m exhausted with trying to make some progress in my own life, only to be shoved back a few more steps.  i’ll continue to be fed-up with certain people’s game-playing, unless i can find alternative ways of swaying my attention.  And yet, i need to keep going.  *sigh