impressed on how much this site has already helped me out.

even just reading others comments etc knowing i'm not out here alone.. having a rough day and i dont even know why.. got out of bed at 2, went to the couch til 6, went back to bed at 630, and now i'm here. still in bed. I think my biggest annoyance is when people don't understand WHY i feel this way.. i hate it when people laugh at me as if i have no reason to be sad and depressed.. its understandable, i'm better off then most, i have my own car, i'm in university, i do have a bright future ahead of me.. do all these materialistic things make me feel better? HELL NO. they don't erase my horrible past. what hurts me most is my boyfriend used to understand.. now he just thinks i'm being annoying and pathetic and over reacting.. i told him about the episode i has last night, he asked why, and i said i was lonley… he laughed..

someone i cared about, someone who i could always turn to, laughed in my time of need.. WTF.. i feel the most abandoned tonight more then ever.. my dad passed away in grade eight, since then i've surrounded myself with friends and family at ALL times.. now i am here at university with NO ONE.. considered going home to my hometown friends.. they dont make time for me anymore. it feels like no one gives a damn.. i'm not important anymore… again with the i understand i'm being stupid, again, can't help it. I stopped taking my pills because my dad was addicted to prescription drugs and i cant help but think about it everytime i pop one into my mouth.. not to mention doctors give them out like they are candy.

so many feelings going through me right now.. what i hate most is i'm really selfconcious but when i feel like this, all i want to do is eat junk.. which makes me more and more fat.. then i get more and more depressed. as bad as it sounds i wish it was reversed.. when i felt like this i didnt eat..

CAN ANYONE HELP? WHERE IS THE INSTANT FIX THAT IS NOT DRUGS AND ALCOHOL?!

I heard a lyric today that i feel describes a lot of depressed people, just wanted to share.. "do you worry you're not liked? how long til you break? your happy because you smile, but how much can you fake?"

i find i am so amazing at making everyone else believe i am fine, much easier then pouring my 16 years worth of problems onto someones plate.. HA pathetic, only 2 years where i was truly happy.. and i odnt even know if i actually was? just cant remember cause i was too young.. a secret of mine; this is the most i've EVER opened up… and its only because i will never see you guys….