For many, many years now i've been struggling with many, or what most people consider simple tasks that most just do natuerually and not pay any attetion to.

I.m no perfect i have flaws and a temper, I have made mistakes that cost me so much. I have more facts than excues though. I never asked to have a seisure disorder, though now they are controled better and are down to a few a month. I haven't had any mojor ones just the focal siesuzres witch leave me in a black stare and cloudy and dettached for a while up to a few days. I wish this upon no one ever in this lifetime. I do my better working with my neurologist, My dr. and my mental heath professionals. Along with rehabilition services. I've seen thems come and go, some not by choice. I live in the U.S. in a state where insurance coverage constanly changes because I do not work. I battle my emotions and fears al the time. Always wondering will today or even the next minute be that time again, that I wake up in an ER or Trauming center hooked up to machines, because I had a seizure and fell again. I'v already broken my jaw bone, my cheeck and ruptured my eye socket from falling plus a broken arm and a few ribs. Nevermind the head injuries substained. I try to keep a positive out look like I can get through this all and it will all go away. but no matter how many steps i take to prevent or prepair the outcome is still the same and each time something happens it scares me. I've been dealing with PTSD from all of this and continue to try, that is best i can do is try. When it get to the point when people are so tired of being there for you because it's draining being around me with so many issuses, and my poor fiance has seen the worst of it all. Putting pillows under my head to stop me from hurting myself more and accessing my injuries to tell the ambulance works whats what. I pushed every one away tht I've know so far. I blame it all on myself no matter what happes anyways. I see my self as broken and damaged goods. I don't like being in anyones lives right now because I fear that i will just infect them with my problems.

I come here all the time not as often as I like to but when i have the ability to type, meaning my tremmors are mangable, I do , I like the friends I've met and the conversations that shirt my thinkiong into somewhere that is better than my cold dark places.


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