I am fourteen years old and have not been happy my entire life. I have been to two psychiatric hospitals, one of which I felt unsafe. I was molested as a kid by an aunt. I have been physically and emotionally abused by my dad up until the age of 10/11. I have been in a rut for months now, maybe years. I had a friend in which I told her this secret and now she is no longer my friend and we don’t talk anymore, mostly because I don’t want to trust her again. She hurt me so bad. Our friendship lasted three years. I have other friends, but there is no way that I am going to tell them what happened to me. My friends are really important to me, I don’t want them to leave me as my old friend did before. I haven’t seen a therapist in months, I’ve been taking medications that leave me feeling antsy. I spend most of my time in my room alone, and that makes me feel like there’s nothing for me here. I feel so alone but there are so many people around me. I just need somebody to see me and tell me to work on myself. I need a goddamned therapist, and it’s just not happening. I feel like I’m always pushed to the side. I can’t really do anything about that because my grandpa is fucking dying and my mom needs to focus on him, it’s just that I want somebody to acknowledge that I’m suffering here. I want to take care of myself, and I want to do schoolwork without feeling like I’m going to ruin my life. Sometimes I feel like I can’t breathe. I just want to feel normal again.