This would probably be better in a forum, but I feel like I may have more words than forum paper.

I’m getting my binder today. Today. Despite all my fears this week; the fear that people will notice, that it will reveal something big about me that I’m not ready to see, I’m happy, even though I’m still scared of what I’ll find. The joy overpowers the fear.

I’m going to be honest here. I’m happy that I’m going to be flat chested with the binder, that’ll all be closer to looking like a boy, that I…I know I won’t pass….. and I know I’m not out, whatever that would look like or be like..and  we’ll I don’t know what I am, but anyway, I’ll be glad not to have more stupid boobs showing, that I won’t have to wear stupid shirts that make me look feminine. Im going to have to work on pants, but I’m just happy honestly today.

Its better than the alternative. Than yesterday. Feeling trapped in my body.

I’m going to go back a paragraph to clothes. I know clothes aren’t the main thing that tell you your gender, that it’s what you feel, but clothes are a important part of me. I guess they represent something. Make me look like a girl, when all I want to do is swath myself in men’s clothes, to have people not assume I’m a girl, even though that’s what I’ve been telling them, what my my pronouns, my shape, my clothes (I’m not out, and I don’t plan to be till I can figure…myself out)

Anyway, I’m just happy to be happy for once in my life.

Sincerely Felix, the person who doesn’t know what they are.