i tried to write last night, but with all the frustration, anxiety and stress levels, my hands had other ideas…       i’ve had a few decent weeks, lately–for the most part, anyway.  i suppose it was destined to happen, sooner or later? Anyway, here goes….

As several of you are aware, my current partner is a recovering alcoholic/addict.  Quite a bit of the time, his behaviors and overall outlook on life help me to possibly understand what may’ve been going on with my daughter, Shelby, before 15 Feb 2017, since she was definitely in a bad place with her addiction.  And, i’ll be the first to say i had no clue about addiction, until i stopped believing the facade that addictions are definitively by choice, as in:  “just say no!”–and all’s well with the world; or “they chose to screw their lives up and families over.”  Regardless of anyone’s beliefs, it is definitely a disease that is at the forefront of a great deal of the world’s problems.  i don’t know anyone who hasn’t been affected by it.   *Sorry for rambling.*                                                                                                                                                                   Yesterday, i placed an online order for some coffees and a couple other items.  Since we tend to buy coffee every month, or more often, and the ‘deal’ was really a good buy–in my sincere opinion–i went ahead and confirmed the order.  (This was the first online order i’d made in close to a year, and amounted to less than $27, in total:  24 oz canister + 30.5 oz canister + downy liquid fabric softener + 35.3 oz canister of non-dairy coffee creamer = $19.75 + $5.99 s&h + .78 tax = $26.52.)  OK, i’d mentioned my desire to purchase some coffee to Marty that i wanted us to at least purchase the coffees, since $5.95 is a very good deal for that size of canisters for brand-named coffee, earlier in the week, since yesterday was the last day of the sale.  So, i placed this order for delivery.   OK….  i didn’t think about ‘telling’ him, right then, since he was watching television and laying down,  at the time.  But, i did NOT set out to orchestrate some sort of plan to spend ‘his money,’ either.  We have a joint account–for more than a year now.  And, i didn’t see anything wrong with what i’d done, until i told him i’d placed the order.  In hindsight, sure, i should’ve told him before i confirmed/placed the order, i suppose.  But, i didn’t think it was such a big deal, since it’s for both of us–he drinks as much or more coffee than i do…….  As soon as i told him i’d placed the order, he blew a gasket.  He got up from the bed, pretty angrily, and simply let me have it–both barrels–which then led to him hitting walls and slamming doors and continuing to speak in a very raised tone, cursing, etc.  Initially, i tried to keep a degree of calmness, but after all the yelling and slamming, i couldn’t take but so much–i’m already a pretty jumpy/easily-startled person.  So, i stepped over to him and raised my voice, right in his face, and walked away (actually, went in the bathroom to take a shower), while he continued…. *sigh  Yes, i know this is not the healthiest behavior.             His main complaint:  that i didn’t apologize for spending more than $5 w/o telling him beforehand….  Let’s look at this for a minute:  in the past year, he’s purchased drink mixes (roughly $36) and hydroxycut (for himself, which was about $10)–and this is just two i was unaware of, until he got home w/them–plus, the $1K+ i’m still paying for his online class, that he’s still not finished; as well as the monthly payments for him to use a tanning bed–which he only used once or twice–again, i didn’t know about it, until he came home and told me; etc…..  i feel like i’ve spent so much on him and whatever he’s wanted, as well as selling almost everything i owned that was worth any cash value, and even more so on credit—*sigh–for what?  to be treated like that???  Then, he had the audacity to accuse me of lying, as well as orchestrating the entire thing!  i don’t get it!!!!!  WTF did i do to deserve this kind of treatment????

After we talked, briefly, he went ahead and fell asleep–since he was supposed to go to work this morning.  And, of course, that was the first/only thing he had to talk about this morning, before he left for work–what i’d done…..Ya know, i’ve gone to the food bank at least 5 times, this year–mainly since our food levels get so low, and i really don’t get enough for both of us, to begin with.  But, i am grateful for what i do get–please don’t misunderstand me.  It has helped out a LOT this year, especially when Marty went through his job-hopping stage…..  Anyway, that’s about the sum of my rant, for now.  i don’t like feeling like this:  uncertain, stressed and constantly frustrated; on top of waiting for the ‘other shoe to drop.’  So, if you feel enlightened, feel free to share……..  please.