I’m not allowed to date until next year. And yet I have a boy who is mine. He deserves better than me, I know that, because sometimes I can’t feel. Usually I can’t feel. Quite like a brainless organism, existing but nothing else. I am here but I’m not. And then, last Friday, I was, but it wasn’t how I remembered. I was cuddling with A and it felt… it felt real. I don’t know how else to explain it. And then I had to go and screw it all up. I started laughing at something small and inconsequential, but I couldn’t stop. I choked on air and cried until I sobbed in my friend’s basement in front of my boyfriend. It was embarrassing and I wanted to die. But then he was hugging me and he wasn’t letting go and, for a fleeting second, I let myself feel. I don’t know how he could love me even though I feel nothing and am nothing and had a literal mental breakdown right in front of him. But he is perfect. He doesn’t deserve a brainless organism. But I can’t leave him, and he will never leave me.