Okay, so, I’ve been in desperate need of some kind of outlet that I’m not married/related to.  I know I could keep a journal, but I’m currently living with my husband and his mother and his brother at his mother’s house, and let’s just say they’re not the most respectful when it comes to privacy.  So-this gets to be my journal b/c this is the only thing I’ve found that my husband wouldn’t think to look at. 

Alright so here is the whole list of issues I’m having right now:

1)Three years ago I found out that my father molested my sister and he and my mom both went crazy-he was reduced to a puddle of over-emotional goo and she flipped out and started trying to marry anybody who had EVER said that they loved her-when it my sister finally revealed that had happened.  And, I’m so very lucky, that I got to be the one to tell my mom about.  Well, they got a divorce at the same time that my daughter’s dad and I split up and I couldn’t really take her to go live at either one of their houses so I asked his mom-he’d taken off to his hometown which is several states away-if I could let her stay there for a while until I could find a decent job and get my own place.  She said okay and two days later he was back living at her house and suddenly I wasn’t allowed to see my daughter anymore b/c I wouldn’t go back to him.  And while I would dearly love to have my kid back, I can’t afford a lawyer-no it’s not that I’m spending my money elsewhere, I sincerely don’t make enough money to hire one, by any stretch of the imagination, so even though years have past and he has a child by someone else, they still make it as hard as possible for me to see her.  In the meantime, I’ve gotten married and while I love my husband dearly, there are so many issues in my head.  Like that he seems to get fired from every job he gets, and as soon as he looses a job, instead of looking for another one, he gets all sad and depressed and lives on the couch, and before I know it we’re moved back into his mom’s house, where he then sleeps until mid-afternoon with his mom and brother and does nothing-no cleaning, no job-hunting-but hang out with his mom and brother until I get home from work(ps I hate my job-I wanna be a writer)and then suddenly he can think of 100 different things that need to be done and for one reason or another I need to do all of it, on top of keeping a full-time job and figuring out how the hell to get things back on track.  I’m extremely despressed most of the time anyway, but here lately it’s getting out of hand again-I don’t want to do anything but be alone and thoughts of suicide keep clanging around in my head, but I can’t talk to anyone about it b/c everyone at the house thinks that depression is made up and suicide is only for the weak, and I can’t go to my parents b/c they’ll freak out and stir up a whole lot of drama that I can’t handle while they’re trying to help me(Mom would probably find some way to get me committed to one of those hospitals where they keep you under lock and key and make you do like group therapy and whatnot and I not only can’t afford anything like that, I also can’t stand to be confined or under the authority of others) and I can’t talk to anyone else around here in my community b/c it’s one of those teeny tiny map dot places where everybody knows everybody and if you get out of your car at the gas station and fart by the time you get home everybody knows you did it, so it’s impossible to really trust anyone with my whole little issue set.  And it’s hard to talk to my husband about anything b/c he get super sensitive and super emotional everytime I’m upset and then he tailspins more and God knows I don’t need that right now, and I’m really quite unsure what to do about anything.  And it sucks, because the economy is horrible, so I’m working for ten dollars an hour at a job I hate, no benefits, decent hours, my teeth are starting to rot(no they don’t have black spots or anything on them but they’re starting to hurt constantly and one in particular is almost entirely hollow) and I want to seek professional help for my depression but apparently that worth like one to two hundred dollars an hour, not to mention the cost of medication, but I really need to do something b/c I’ve been self-medicating for the last three years with pretty much any substance I could get my hands on that wasn’t like horrible for you(no crack, coke, heroine, etc) but I just want to feel alive again and I don’t and where a buzz used to make it go away for a while, now it doesn’t touch it and I feel like I’m going to explode.  And the really screwed up part about everything is that when I had my daughter at sixteen, her father ran away to that hometown that is several states away and we didn’t hear from him for four years, and we were only back together for one year, and now he acts like HE was there the whole time, tells her he did things with her when she was a baby that never happened, and he’s got her calling his girlfriend "Mommy" and dammit, she was MINE! They don’t know that she started drawing circles when she was six months old, they weren’t the ones who stayed up with her all night, and went to school full-time during the day, and worked until until 9PM every night.  They weren’t the ones who were worried about diaper rashes, and day care, and illnesses, and diapers period.  They didn’t even know she already had all of her shots and he still tried to tell her that HE was the one who taken her for all of her vaccinations even though my initials were all over the charts.  And it kills me, because they don’t know her like I do, and I’ve just been swept under the rug b/c I couldn’t force myself to pretend to be happy with some asshole who would rather buy new rims for his car to impress his friends than pay the rent…I just don’t know what to do with myself anymore…I’m tired, and confused, and feeling so helpless and hopeless…the world is so dark now and I can’t find my way out of it…


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