I can’t freeze the world but I am sure that I can control life’s outcomes through rituals like endlessly washing my hands until they are raw, not listening to certain songs, avoiding everyday things that I have deemed as bad luck. I’ve convinced myself that I have the gift of prophecy–that is what OCD often feels like for me. The belief that I am meant to fail and to be unhappy so deeply ingrained within me that I know the outcome of personal events before they will happen. I know he will leave, I know he will go on to find the love of his life after me, I know I will fail in my career, I will die alone. Trust me, this I know. The only way to stop it is if I adhere to the rituals and compulsions that alter the fate and course of my own life. It is ridiculous, I know, but if I wash my hands ten times and turn the light switch on and off rapidly for the next minute life will be different. If it is not, it is because I didn’t try hard enough, didn’t do these things correctly. It is exhausting. I just want to escape from my brain and the need for control, to escape a life lived looking for patterns (i.e. Bad thing always happen in June, the number 18 is unlucky).
Related Articles
-
Almost There
Birdy3031, , Uncategorized, Anxiety, Medication, Sleep Disorders, 0
Well, I’m almost done with work for the week. This week hasn’t been too bad. I briefly teared up...
-
Full Circle?
Idubbz, , OCD, Addiction, Anxiety, Child, Infidelity, OCD, Sex Therapy, 0
I feel like I’m 18 again…just not in all the ways that it would be awesome to be 18...
-
stormy weather; no jealousy?
delane1, , Addiction, Anxiety, Depression, Marriage & Family, OCD, Relationships, Suicide, 2
Well, it’s Friday morning, in the middle of August….WHERE has the time gone, this year???? *sigh It kinda scares...
-
Tackling my OCD touching objects
DotA, , OCD, Career, Child, OCD, Therapist, Weight Loss, 1
My OCD has to do with me touching objects, shaking and hugging people and rechecking the door to make...
-
How even just watering indoor plants can be a “adventure”
Lacey7, , Uncategorized, 0
The task of watering the indoor plants today was quite ordinary but then it wasn’t. First the large Peace...
-
-
What was your best experience in life so far? What has been your worst? What do you want to happen in your future?
Lacey7, , Uncategorized, 0
My best experience in my life… was realizing that I am not responsible for others behavior and I stopped...
-
Guilt Obsessions…please help
hiddenrainbow, , OCD, Domestic Abuse, OCD, Relationships, Sex Therapy, Sleep Disorders, Suicide, 0
I\’m up still at 3:00 in the morning…partly probably because I\’ve been having sleeping problems for a while, but...
0 Comments