I don’t know what to write about, I just know I want to write. I had an appointment with my psychiatrist today, he is going to be increasing my Seroquel to 800mg, which is the maximum dose. Also, he suggested that I call the manufacturer of Zyprexa to see if I can get a discount. I got connected to the Eli Lilly patient assistance program, and have filled out my portion of the application. I will have my husband drop it off at my doctor’s office next week. My doctor is only there Wednesdays and Thursdays. I’m so scared right now! I feel like I’m literally disappearing! This happens to me every day, now, and it’s just getting worse and worse! It never gets better! My medications are supposed to be helping me with the voices and the dark shadows and the disappearing feeling, but they aren’t doing a darn thing! I’m on risperidone and quetiapine (Seroquel), as well as Zoloft for depression. The risperidone and quetiapine are supposed to be helping with the psychotic symptoms, but it’s really not working! The Seroquel helps a little bit, it helps me to sleep at night, but the risperidone isn’t doing a darn thing. It’s really cheap, I can get a three months’ supply for $20. So I guess you get what you pay for.

I am feeling so terrible right now, I don’t know how I’m going to get through tomorrow, because the pattern has been that each day is worse than the last. I barely made it through today! I want to go on a drive with my husband tonight. He is outside doing some work moving a raised bed for my landlady. So I am going to take a shower, that usually helps me feel better. The hot water is heating up for it right now; I wish we had instant hot water, I really hate waiting. I am very disappointed, the sister who was going to start spiritual direction with me in April had to decline, for personal reasons. So I am back to square one. She gave me the email address of someone who could help me find a spiritual director, so I just emailed her. We’ll see where it goes. I was happy to have a sister be my spiritual director, because I had wanted to be a nun so many years ago.

The bad voice is screaming at me right now, it’s driving me batty. I really am at my wit’s end with all of this, and I don’t know what to do anymore! I wish my husband were done, he’s doing some yard work for my landlady. I really don’t know what to do, I hate feeling so terrible all the time, but it’s become my new normal. I’m so scared all the time, it doesn’t let up except for at bedtime, when I go to sleep. I usually have good dreams, and I feel normal in my dreams, but then I wake up and the nightmare starts all over again. I turned off the hot water heater, I have changed my mind about taking a shower. I just don’t want to deal with it. I’m scared out of my mind right now, I don’t know what to do! I know I keep repeating that over and over, but it’s the truth! I’m having a bagel with cream cheese right now. I was hungry and didn’t even bother toasting it. I feel like I want to cry but I can’t cry. I feel like I want to scream but I can’t scream. I feel locked out of love, out of life. I feel so detached from everyone and everything, like I’m in a dark bubble. We’re going to go out for a drive tonight, how I wish it would get dark so we could go. I hate waiting. I can’t deal with this sadness that I’m feeling, I’m totally overwhelmed with sadness and grief and I’m terrified out of my mind. The fear never ends, unless I’m asleep, as I just said a bit ago. So I’m going to go lie down right now, and try to relax.