I don't really believe in God, but if I did, I would say He makes a lot of mistakes, big and small and I am a small one, maybe I'm not even big enough to be considered a mistake. But all in all, be it God, or just a random accident, that is what my life is. A mistake.I truly have no purpose.
My Mom says I have a purpose because a lot of people care about me, of course she says that she's my MOM! I am lucky I have loving parents and that I don't have an abusive family but I've even seen people who do have bad parentscome out ok. Me? No matter what I try to do or be, I am a fucking piece of nothing worthless shit. It has been proven over and over again.
The one thing I will say for myself is I am kind hearted and loving. I am actually a good person, I'm not some horrible heartless fuck. But I'm USELESS, WORTHLESS and nobody truly gives a damn about me other than some family members.
I am like SLOTH, I sit around all day on the computer feeling sorry for myself. I know what I'm doing, but I can't get up and do anything about it. If people saw me they would think I was the most disgusting lazy bitch alive. But it's not that, it's depression. And I refuse to try every med on the market. I refuse to be any kind of a drug addict. I have enough problems with booze, I dont' want to be a pill popper to top it off. And the truth is there is no real medication that can help without problems, I've said all this before in all my blogs.
Also, what do you do when you told someone I love them, and they acknowledged it in a kind way. Nothing, move on? That's what you should do, but I can't.
Why can't I do all the things other people CAN? Even the most fucked up people have found a place for themselves and a purpose. I can't. I was born without knowing what I'm supposed to do with my life. Whenever I feel a passion for something or someone, I can't have it! It's not like I have no feelings for anything. I do. I just never can have or be what I want. I feel like my whole life is a prison that I'm suffering in.