I was trying to commit to my diet and my sobriety. But sometimes food and my shweed are the only thing that keep me company. Not like Im letting it destroy my life I know my limits and consequences. Thats not the point.
The point is i’m lonely and I love the space I created for myself. I am currently not where I want to be but Im in a place where I know my actions, words and thoughts effect other people. I realize that. Sometimes I feel the need to pull back when I know things are becoming serious but not serious for the other person. I have never had a relationship end because of the other person not wanting me. Have I ever been rejected I don’t even remember because I don’t give the other person the chance to reject me at all. I leave when I get the hint.
What does that mean for me? I usually become the reason for my own solitude and loneliness. I guess im okay with it because I choose it. Or Ive already prepared myself to be alone. It makes the separation for me easier. I have no concern about how that makes the other person. Thats the toxic part I guess. I want someone to chase me, I want them to miss me so much it drives them insane. I want them to think about me and think wow I never would have guessed I wanted her like that. I hate that about myself.
Because I did it again. The guy I am head over heels for isn’t giving me what I want. I want him to reach out and tell me he feels a certain way about me before I confess what I feel. I gotta make sure the other person has feeling for me before i let them know I have them for them. i wait and wait and nothing. its been a few months that we talked and nothing. Just alot of flirting alot of not getting to know him. I don;t think we have ever had a serious conversation together.
Besides that I found out that my older sisters husband of 5 years cheated on her back in November around thanksgiving. I noticed the passive aggressive attitude she had towards him and I matched it because I know she was always head over heels for that guy. She was so dedicated to making sure her partner was taken care of. I took her out to get something to eat, to spend time with her because she is my favorite person in the world.
We were driving and she confessed what was on her mind. I tried my hardest not to make it about me no matter how much I wanted to talk about me. I try to remember this a person I care about with my whole heart. Be present, be helpful, be smart. We grew up in the same household and my older sisters had it worse then I did when we were growing up. So i knew we both had the same ideas. Always coming up with a back up plan in case anything happened. We would always make sure the other was taken care of Emotionally, financially, and spiritually. We started to plan out what could happen. What if this happens then here are our options. Never has she ever left me out of her plans.
I knew even if she got married I would always have a place with her. I would never let someone keep me from her. I would always support her no matter how crazy. I always told her if she ever decides to end her life to tell me so we could do it together. I will never live in this world without her. She is my safe place and my rock. No matter what I would do anything for her. She is the only person who I would never abandon. she is the one person I would kill for.
That kind of love that you are scared to ever lose.. I have a hard time feeling like I could ever have that with someone in a relationship. I want to care about someone else that deeply but I don’t I only care that much about my family.. I’m annoyed with myself sometimes.
