In hindsight, it was too much to process at the time.  I blocked it for a long time and was scared to think about it.

The reason I am sharing this for the bravest version to me to be celebrated as it needs to come out.

First the situation happened, and then my reaction to it was being in complete control of my reaction mixed with pure anger.  The person  was very affected and maybe even terrified by the look in my eyes, and told me not to look at them like “that”.  I didn’t say a word before I walked away feeling as though I was assisted up right by some unknown force within me called survival and determination.   I felt anger and hurt.  Also, I felt agony, anguish, and grief on some level.  However, I mostly felt protective and loving towards myself so anger was my fuel to make it through that terrible situation.  It wouldn’t of served me well to take the time ponder on how it felt at the time in the given moment.  It was too much to process and the most important thing was to walk away.

Then, I stayed away and I accepted “what happened” as a gift of seeing  that person’s true character and lack of empathy.   I clearly saw them for who they are.

It took many years to process what happened and I tried to pretend that it didn’t happen for many years.

Then, I became a mother and developed nightmares about the situation and during waking hours blamed myself by the way I was treated.  I thought I was to blame and maybe I was “broken” and wrong.  Maybe I wasn’t enough and didn’t deserve any better.

My solution then? They were to use those feelings as fuel to being the most involved and loving mother that I could be.   Then, I had more children.

What was wrong with that plan? Children grow up and all the feelings and trauma that a person might “stuff” and not deal with will come up again when a person is “less busy” no longer being a busy mom of young children.

Yet, I always remember my favorite person (Mom type person in my life)  who always let me know that I deserve a good life filled with love, acceptance and kindness.  She wouldn’t have accepted  anything less for me and stood up for me when I was weaker and unable to speak up for myself.  She was and always will be my hero.  She is the woman that I aspire to be as I grow as person.

I allowed the memories of “what happened” to come back with bravery and faced them.   It took bravery and was hurtful. I am proud of myself for surviving and someday I will fully thrive.  The person didn’t break or destroy me.   It is a long road to get to thriving but I am worth the effort.

They, however, have to live with being a person who is capable of treating others in an unacceptable manner as part of their character, lack of empathy, human decency,  and their history.

I am powerful, determined, and wise.  I am “enough” and always have been.