I joined the Tribe in Feb of 2023 and have had the pleasure of meeting a few people that are Gender fluid, Trans pre and post HRT, while learning stuff along the way. In my current journey I’ve found answers to many of my questions, but it has raised even more. I’ve questioned my gender since I was 22, but I had a girlfriend with the potential of having kids.  I know it sounds ridiculous to still not know at 39 what I am.

I looked into hormone replacement therapy and some of the effects of it are erectile dysfunction, producing less semen, penis and testicle shrinkage. Genitals has something I’ve never had dysphoria for, so I shut down that option.  I wondered maybe if Drag was maybe something, but I am shy and very much do not want to be the centre of attention. I also want to look like a woman, which is something drag doesn’t strive for but rather a self expression. So I thought, another option out the window.  At the time I lived with my girlfriend and a roommate. I wanted to try cross dressing desperately, but I definitely did not have a safe space to explore that side of myself. I just felt sad that I didn’t seem to have anything.

I felt I needed some sort of outlet for this, some way to explore how it would be like. I came across interactive pornography and it was the only way to explore, but nothing seemed to fit. It was a hollow and unfulfilling form of exploration but it was the only thing I had. It is meant for fetishism, and even though there is nothing wrong with kinks in the correct circumstances, it is not self expression nor necessarily respectful of trans people. So I fell into feelings of guilt and shame, thinking I was some sort of perverted monster. This cycle went on for a long period of time and even though it helped a little, it was short live and followed by the guilt and shame.

So I finally told my wife (previously girlfriend) at age 36 and it was met by very mixed emotions. I still felt great shame and didn’t feel comfortable exploring my gender at home. I also let my best friend know and she was supportive when I asked questions but this all stagnated till I was 38 and started with the name Emilie. I had my friend refer to me as that and I knew it would be my name if I had transitioned and leaned on her for exploration.

I eventually felt it was not fair to have one person be a soul support and looked for other sources, which is how I came across The Tribe. I’ve found some people for a support system that I would consider friends and they were more than willing to answer awkward questions. I finally felt some validation from people and was able to explore being feminine even if by online persona with people being respectful of my preferred name and pronouns.

I purchased my first female clothing which was a comfy set of PJs, I am an introvert so it seems like a good start, but the shirt being a crop top was a surprise. I was afraid to put them on, but not in the way someone might think. Years and years of self exploration being pornography and I was afraid the only thing this was a fetish. When I put them on it did not feel prevy at all, they were soft and flowy, so I just loved them. One thing that I became painfully aware of my shoulders being broad for the shirt. I was self conscious in a way I’ve never felt before, and I didn’t know what to make of that.

I decided to poke fun at the whole weirdness of myself and decided to flex and look the most masculine I could, and it actually helped. I then found an old ill fitted bra to put underneath trying to be as feminine as possible and I was shocked at the results. It did not seem pervy at all, my shoulders seemed narrower with the added curves and I absolutely loved what I saw in that mirror.  I’ve also decided my next purchase will be my own bra. That properly fits.  I’m also get an inexpensive DIY breasts to experiment the size I’d like to go with.

Now being 39, I still have a wife but with no kids, which is a story I’m not going to go into. I am no longer sure if trans is off the table if I do become single. I am enjoying the PJs very much and have grown out my hair a little, although still a ways to go for length. I’m left still not knowing if I’m gender fluid, trans, or something else entirely