I’ve had the worst couple years of my entire life. I’m a rising senior in high school and every year just gets worse and worse. I’ve only made one friend ever since I moved to this awful town, and ever since I met her, I just watched her grow and change and become someone completely different. She has a job, she’s in the top band at our school, gets great grades and gets to go to a prestigious summer program. But me? I’ve been stuck in the past. I can’t do anything right…and I secretly try to follow in her footsteps and do what she does. But I always fail. I hate waking up, I hate going to school. I hate everyone in this town, everyone who’s watched me cry and watched me suffer and hasn’t done anything about it. I wish my friend was there for me…I wish she wasn’t so busy and I wish she’d talk to me often. I’ve always wanted her to be just as pathetic as me…just so I could feel like someone was there for me. But I can’t expect that out of someone. People move on…people grow up. But I’ve struggled to do that. Because I have nothing…I have nobody. And I feel like I’m dying. Right now, I haven’t left bed, haven’t eaten or showered in forever. I’m rotting away…and I feel so much pain in my heart and in all of my bones and muscles. Just sitting up to type this feels hard. I don’t know what to do or what to think. I don’t know why I care so much…but I just want to become numb. I don’t want to be happy…I don’t want to be sad…I don’t want to be angry. I want to feel absolutely nothing. Because it hurts to be alive.
The Pathetic State of My Life
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That sounds like a relationship we had with a friend. We wanted him to care so bad, and he never did. It was a symptom of our Borderline Personality Disorder; we were so attached to him unhealthily that we couldn’t let go and see that he wasn’t worth our time. There are people worth your time out there. Don’t cut her off, but look for more people. She isn’t right for the friendship level you’re looking for. There are people out there who are.
It sounds like your depression has really taken a hold on you. Try to fight it. It’s so hard, but try. Quite literally roll out of bed and plop down onto the floor. Crawl to the kitchen to grab a premade snack if you need to. Grab a wet towel and some soap and wipe your face and your body. Do the easiest version of everything. You’re trying to jump to the same height as everyone else, but you’re starting 10 feet lower than other people. Focus on jumping the same distance as other people. Jump 2 feet, just like everyone else is. You won’t reach the height they reach, but that’s not the point. You put the same amount of effort in, and that’s what matters. Their shower looks like your wet towel. Their freshly cooked meal looks like your uncrustable. Try the minimum output. You’ll be happier knowing that you accomplished something more than yesterday. Those self care things are super important for mental health. Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. You’ve got to eat and move around a bit before you can tend to other needs. Try stretching on the floor. Nothing specific. Just move your body and do stuff that feels okay. Little steps will still move you forwards. Wishing you so much luck.