Tomorrow is yet another first day of classes of the semester. I always choose to do more school, continue with my education, and I always forget my overpowering lack of motivation. Learning I love. Exams, presentations, group projects I detest. So much stress accompanies my experience with school and somewhere along the line I completely lost my drive. I am still dedicated to receiving my degree but almost incapable of putting in the required effort to get there. How am I supposed to throw myself into my studies when all I can think about during the day is surviving it? Getting through each day without feeling horrible is a huge accomplishment in and of itself; how am I supposed to succeed in anything else beyond that? I also fear entering the work force, due to the fact that the consequences are much worse for not showing up to work than not showing up to class. Everywhere I go, I see happy people with other happy people laughing and smiling. I make the assumption, which I know is not always true, that these people don't share my experience of preferred isolation until I get desperate for human interaction. Most of the time, it is too exhausting to consider. Throwing myself into a good book, movie or television show is so much easier. I don't ever have to talk, but I can find meaning and enjoyment and emotions and connection within my stories. But they aren't real. I'm afraid I am missing out on life, on life at a young age, and that I will deeply regret it in the future. But these thoughts pile on even more pressure to be "normal", and to enjoy making the effort to be constantly social, and then I fall farther. How am I supposed to "put myself out there" when I am working so hard already to get through each day? Putting myself out there means I was able to go outside to do an activity and it is an accomplishment to do so without feeling even worse. I really don't have a point to this blog, or a main message. I am unsure of what I'm supposed to say here, so maybe my future posts will be more organized.


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