5 years ago I was a drunk who was so out of it when it came to life that the 20 feet to the toilet was too long of a walk – so I kept a bottle next to the bed so I could empty my bladder without moving from my bed and my alcohol.

Today – I am sober, thankful and learning.  I am learning through the members of AA what living is.  It is not that scared existence I spent wondering when I was going to go to jail again.  It was not the 20 levels of filter that every word that came out of my mouth was filtered by to make sure that I didn't offend anyone, or make them think less of me.

No, that was not living.  Living is watching the spark come gradually back to the newcomers eye, where living transforms from a chore to endurable to decent and beyond.  Life is realizing that there is more to life than me. 

Today while on the phone with another alcoholic, she made the statement that I seemed to be really perceptive of others feelings.  It was the first time I could respond to that in a true manner.  Yes – I am.  Not because I am a better human than others, but because I needed that skill to survive my growing up.  In my house growing up, if I didn't know what someone's mood was BEFORE I even approached them there could be some dire consequences.  So, yeah – I can pretty much tell you people's moods just by looking into their eyes.  That was very cool that I could actually do that.  But the thing was – I said this without running it through all those mental filters first – that was very cool.  That was a reward of working this program and beginning to understand and respect me. 

So I am beginning to understand it when people keep saying about the rewards of the program being beyond their wildest dreams.  It is not that it is better than their dreams, or worse than their dreams – but just dreams that never ever had.

Perfect example of this is what has happened in my life in the past year.  I became a published Technical author and started my own consulting company.  I also get to watch my 18 month old nephew, help others in AA, and learn about myself.  Yeah, I dreamed about the book and the company, but their importance is by far exceeded when my nephew, who has a large love for his uncle, leans his forhead against mine and wraps his little arms around my neck and goes "Ahhhhhh".  It melts my heart every time.

Who'd ever thought me – who depended on my brain so heavily and wanted only to be the smartest, best and recognized for it, would ultimately have a heart that right now is causing tears to well up in my eyes.  I thought my heart was dead, I prayed my heart was dead – I tried to drink my heart dead.  And yet it not only exists, it picks up the smallest nuiances.  And who would've ever though a bunch of other drunks would've been the ones to help me find that reward.

Thanks to you all. 

 Tim