so once again, i have no initial reason for anything i'm about to write, but jus the purpose of writing it to get it out of me. i live by myself and i hate calling people i don't trust, which ya know i'm an addict, i trust like fucking no one mostly, but sometimes my mom, although shes drunk a lot of the time, and my sponser…anyways, i'm going to ramble lalala on about nothing. this is helpful, lol i seriously don't advise anyone to read this, but i have to write it and for some reason like i put before i can't just write in a journal i just trash it man. i've been doing this for years and it seems to work. i'm so sad . i just took a shower and my best friend, who happens to be my roommate, is my cat jasmine lol she follows me everywhere around the house and  i have to carry her to bed with me even. yea i know, i'm a weirdo right. whatever. so i live here by myself and it's all good and jolly, except for the fact that i have to pay all my stupid bills by myself and buy everything by myself. and i don't drive because i can't seem to pass my freakin driving permit?? but i passed my GED, ACT, and a prenursing exam…? yea i guess i have no common sense, i just tell people i'm too liberal for a car, it destroys the environment blah blah… so i walk EVERYWHERE!! and i hate asking people for help!! ah and i live in the middle of fucking no where lol i used to live in places where they had buses and cabs…we have cabs here, but i dislike it here because i relapsed one night and called the cab to talk me home and i somehow got stuck with the cab driver for fucking 4 hours ..so like he totally kidnapped me, omg i ramble so much…anyways what i need to be getting out of myself is the fact that tonight my boss and i went over all my bills, (my boss is also my landlord) and it was my bills for the past 2months and i owe him money and it just so completely sucks to be working my ass off and missing meetings and lalala and omg here comes that feeling again where i want to shoot myself in the fucking head. so i'm stressing man… i i hate hate hate life. it's so pointless???? fucking work all day just to pay bills!!!! No fun!!! and ive been doing this and even when i was using i had to work, even when i was young, i worked, i've never got to have fun im so sad. i'm so unhappy. i want to be happy like i see people ya know. i've wanted to kill myself since i was 5 years old and have tried and tried and my higher power apparently wants me here for a reason??? i am such a sick person in myhead, and i'm so sick of being so sick and depressed man. i never want to hang out with people because i get all weird most the time. i just want to sit at home and pretend pretend pretend. i sing in my head lalalala LOL i'm going nuts!!!!! AHHH!! help meh. so i wanted to cut the pain away tonight i felt it all at once, that twisty spiral feeling that hurts and feels like there's absolutely no escape whatsoever, and it makes me want to disapppear and go far away…like die, but usually i just shot some dope or get drunk if i can't find dope or fucking cut myself or fucking eat a million things too many and throw it up, but in all reality what i'm looking for is to disappear, to stop thinking, stop worrying, stop being so afraid because i so am. i am so afraid of life. it's so scary. i wish i was in college like the people i went to school with!!! why did i have to open my mind to so much in so little time? i remember when i was in 2nd grade i cried before school one day, i cried and told my mom i didnt want to go to school because i would have to go tomorrow and the next day and the next day and next year and continue going and then i would just work and then do that every single day, and i remember what i felt, and how horrible life seemed.i wanted to kill myself before going to my little 2nd grade class that day. that'sinsane. i want to know why though!! like forreal. i am lost. i want to know why i seem to think life should be different than what it is??? i am missing something, right? am i .. or possibly i'm just thinking too for ahead?? and not enjoying the moments i have.. i'm not sure, obviously i'm analyzing it too much.. damn… see how theraputic this is for me…lol i am so sad though. nothing can fill the sadness, i know. just time and working on it. i know that drugs don't do it, sex doesn't do it, food, nothing. it all makes it worse. makes it terriblely worse. i sometimes jus wish i had someone here to talk to that i trusted and that understood completely. it's funny how the world is and the people in it man.. most people are so incrediabley fake. that little mask they wear, it confuses me!! who are you? i want to see. please. i need a friend who is me. wow thats whatsup =) i need me, but i want to be FREE of all this insanity, soicety, all this shit isn't real man. i want to be free  and live where i can be me and not be scared and not look down because people are so mean. they so don't care. they just want their stupid everything that i don't have. i am nothing i think. i have been doing nothing because i don't know what i am supposed to be doing ? what do i do here??? and then it comes again and again, its the spiral and it hurts so bad. i want to to go away, please. it's like this sick little spiral that keeps reoccuring in my mind ever since i can ever ever remember. that day before school, the sick little snakely spiral in my mind that said it's all fake, it's all the same my friend, all the same. everything is the same, where do i go from here……….