Hi all, I haven't been here in ages. I think my last blog said about how I was going to keep the booze downstairs instead of in my room so I wouldn't drink as much. Epic fail! Sure, I kept it in the freezer downstairs, but did it help me drink less? Hell no.
For six years I have had a drinking problem. Within the last 2 years it has become ultra bad and now I am finally ready to go to AA — the last place I ever thought I'd find myself unless I was going to support someone.
I made the announcement on my FB page. I think everyone should know. They have all seen my drunken posts and all the crazy insane remarks I make when I'm drunk. So now they get to see that I am actually doing something about my condition.
Why did I suddenly decide to get help? Well, mainly because I am totally out of control. I am a depressed person with some form of Bi Polar disorder. I began using alcohol to self medicate with the excuse that I was just having fun. But feeling suicidal and talking to everyone about my deepest secrets on line… not remembering what I said, not knowing who is going to hate me or laugh at me… NONE of that is fun in any way shape or form. It's more like pure hell.
So I decided I need to go to 12 Steps. I told my parents. My mom is happy for me, but she was unaware that my condition was so bad. She thought I had it mostly under control. Well I am 36 not some party kid I need to grow up and I need to get help. And I hate feeling sick all the time (or at least after drinking) and I hate being even more depressed because the alcohol does a number on my brain chemistry which is already sooo messed up.
I am afraid of AA though. I don't know if I can stand the stress of it. And being around people makes me want to drink more than anything. I am so nervous around people. Even my own friends. That is my anxiety disorder. But I suppose I will have to deal with the anxiety in order to get help.
My other addictions include caffeine (which isn't so bad, although I am truly addicted to it) and excessive spending. I don't see those ruining my life though. I definately see alcohol taking me down which is why I'm going for help.
I'm exhausted after being sick this morning. I didn't get sick last time I drank because I ate a lot and it helped. But I still went nuts online and embarrassed myself something terrible. This time I got sick because I didn't eat much and it sucked but at least Ifelt thinner. I also have somewhat of an eating disorder. I'm pretty worried that I will want more food when I stop drinking. I love food and I will be bored and want something fun to do when I'm sober all the damn time. Sigh.
I wonder what my Darling One would say if he knew I was going into rehab. I didn't tell him because we barely speak as it is. I always blamed my drinking on him leaving me, but I drank when we were together and well before that. So no longer will he be my excuse. I just wish he'd love me again then I wouldn't need anything but the smell of his clothes and his gentle touch. I adore him. I want to at least be near him again, even if we can't be together in the way I want.
There is a problem however. I can't start rehab til June. My parents are going away and I need their support. They won't be back til 2nd half of June. Can I go without booze for that long? I think I can for sure, I am at the point where I hate the shit. But I am thinking of having some coffee eventhough it's getting late. And I really want a pizza. Real bad.