We all get better, every day, in every way….

Isnt that a nice quote? Im not sure who originally said it but i was just looking at an interview with Johnny Cash on youtube.com and he said it in the interview..he found it inspiritational. I think Mr. Cash was/is an inspiration. He went through alot in his life, including addiction. I love his music too.

For anyone reading this blog now , i just want to say its about nothing in paticular…just some thoughts im having LOL. So feel free to skip out now if u like LOL.

I am so pissed off with myself for what i have done, i wish i could be a different person sometimes. Sometimes it amazes me how quickly my mood changes, when i got home here thursday afternoon, i was so depressesd after the car accident etc, plus i was withdrawing. I spent all day from about 4pm in bed asleep until friday at about 12pm…then i sat in my bed with no radio/tv or anything and the curtains shut just thinking about killing myself to be honest. I had 3 trays of zispin 30mg (30 tablets altogether) some sleepers and other non prescription things, im sure i had enough to kill myself anyway. Then saturday i came on here and chatted to some people, which made me feel alot better, just getting on here and blogging about my relapse, being honest with everyone-and myself, did alot of good for me.Now today i got up showered, dressed, did my hair etc and went out with me ma for a while, it was good to get out. Fuck,…… sometimes i wonder how she puts up with me, im such a cunt, all the shit i have put her through and she is stil there for me, and in my heart and sole i know she always will be. I often think to myself  ''if i had a child like me i dont know what the fuck i would do''……..but i suppose thats just love, loving someone un-conditionally, that it doesnt matter what messes they get into etc, your just always there for them. Its a nice feeling to always have someone like that, and i know all parents arent like that so i feel extreemly lucky to even have one who is. I can truly say i have one person in my life that i am like that with, my brother. I love him so so  so much. I think it is because we are alot alike, we make ALOT of the same mistakes, the same fuck-ups. He is 5 years older than me but we'v always been very close, alot of the same friends, we even lived together the past few years after we left home, that is until he went to prison.. I would do anything for him and i have always been that way with him, and i think him with me too. I have an older brother too, he is 8 years older than me but chose a very different life (at least he had the good sense too anyway lol) and thats probably why we are not that close, we talk etc but he does not get too involved and has no clue of the extent of mine and my other brothers problems. I dont blame him!!!!!!!

I guess im lucky to have my brothers and my ma, Actually i know i am. VERY, VERY LUCKY.

I am going to go back to counselling, i need to …  i think on some level i will always need it. I hope not but right now i cant really see the day that il be free of my demons.

I want things out of my life that i know i cant have if im addicted or messing about with drugs. I want to be happy ,i want to meet a good man and have children. I want to help others, i want to live a life i can be proud of, A  life where i know i am helping others, i dont think there coould be anything more rewarding. And lets face it, there are so so so so so so so so so so so so many people out there that need help. I know i have to help myself before i can help others but i hope some day i can. But then i think, well if being on gear makes ME happy and its what i want then who is to really say its wrong or i shouldnt do it? I know that probably sounds fucked up, i was thinking the same thing when i wanted to kill myself, that my family should even be happy for me cos if its what i really want, and i know its what will make me happy then they should take comfort in that ? Thats fucked up isnt it? My mind is so so so conflicted…………i think one thing then automatically come up with another thought to challenge the previous one…….. am i crazy?

Anyway il wrap it up, i just hope tomorrow i can stay clean and thank fucking god i stayed clean today, i know life is hard and anything worth having is never easy to get but…all the same i just dont know how i feel about anything anymore…….

Thanks everyone for all the messages of support etc while im going through this hard time.

Love kiz xxx