Today I am fighting for my life.
I can feel my life as if it’s slipping through my fingers; in my mind I am letting it slip while in my heart I’m still trying to grab on. What do you do when you want something so badly, but yet you are so scared to do it? What do you do when you love someone more than life? Do you give up on promises you made, or do you bow down to shame and succumb yourself to defeat? I’m so lost for words right now, I can’t even grasp exactly what is on my mind but I am trying so hard to make myself understand my decision, because I feel even I don’t.
I feel as if I’ve been running, I don’t know where, but somewhere. I need to stop for air but something keeps pushing me. “Keep running, keep running.” I see people around me running too. Everyone running to their destiny, to the choices they will make that start chapters in their lives. Out of everyone I see, I feel as if I’m the only one being forced, as if I’m being pushed to being, living and creating a future. I want to stop for air so badly but I can’t. I want to look behind me and see if anyone else has stopped, so I can walk slowly with them. But I’m running at such a fast pace the sweat is covering my eyes from seeing.
This world is too much for me, and I can’t accept this life. My heart hurts so badly I feel it tearing into half. I feel myself forcing to breath, to close my eyes, to walk, to speak. I’m trying so hard to smile; I’m trying so hard be alive. I want to be free; I want to be with my god. I want to just be free from this pain. I want to be selfish, but I can’t. I want to see my brother get married; I want to care for my autistic brother when my parents pass away. I want to be there for the one I love more than myself. But am I being fair when I’m thinking all about myself? Am I being fair to myself when I’m living for someone else?
I don’t know what’s going to happen today. I don’t know what’s going to happen tomorrow, or next month. But I do know one thing.
One day, when the time will come, I don’t want you think of me as selfish, as insecure. I’ve tried being strong-the strongest I could be. I’m dying inside, and I want you to know that soon it was only time for me to go. I love you so much, all of you. I wish I could stay longer, but I can’t. I need to go and be alone. I need to be happy. I need to be free.
And I hope that one day people will accept my choice, and be happy that I’m gone and where I always wanted to be.
I want to feel sunshine on my face. I want to laugh and really mean it. I want people to understand that living is living for you. I want everyone to be redeemed. I want to be redeemed.