Yesterday, I went to my weekly session with my psychologist. Since things aren't progressing with my treatment, meds, or couseling, I have become even more anxious and depressed lately. I likley stand to lose my job of 14 years soon in a career I am now too old to start over again should my symptoms improve. My wife and I have two small children, but I feel as though my wife is raising 3 kids because her 39 year old husband needs her to make sure that the faucet is turned off, the garage door is shut, I didn't run anyone over on the way home from the store, etc. As I was talking about my situation, my psychologist said that I seemed mentally to be in "a dark place" recently. Okay, so the sessions haven't exactly been upbeat recently. I am not dismissing his comments at all. My psychologist worked for more than 20 years in the same occupation I am currently in (and trying to stay in). Still, with such limited progress, I don't feel my life is over, but I feel my career is. I hope it isn't, but I work in a business that demands trust from co-workers, which I seem to have lost. Also, constant anxiety in my job can lead to apprehension, and apprehension can be very costly. Does anyone else ever wonder if OCD has become such an ingrained part of their soul that it will never be able to be extracted? I have worried so much about so many things for so long that I wouldn't know how NOT to worry about them. Am I alone in this?
I know OCD treatment is long (I've been treated by different people with different therapies and meds for more than 10 years). Not only do I worry about losing my career, but I also worry that should I lose my career, what in the hell am going to do? I know it's not a thought that no one else worries about. Still, I don't know how to do anything than what I've done for so many years. While I do consider myself of at least average intelligence, my OCD gets in the way of everything, and I mean everything, I try to do. What a mess. Even if I can't continue in my career, I still feel as though I can offer some occupational value to someone.
I think that is where some of my problems lie; I know I am smart enough to do a variety of jobs, yet my OCD prevents me from pursing them. In the meantime, my career clock is winding down, my bills are piling up, my future is so uncertain, and I am feeling so ashamed that I have jeopardized my family's well-being because I could no longer take the stresses of my job coupled with my OCD. My wife is at her breaking point, we have no family support except for each other, and it's all because of me. It's all because of some anxieties I have let get out of control from work due to my OCD, (and maybe PTSD, but that is another matter). So yeah, a dark place is where I stay right now; afraid of what the past has brought, afraid of what the future holds.
Sorry for the long blog everyone, thanks for reading, sorry if I bitched too much.