Hi all,

You can call me SeiZa and I’m having a hard time to realize and admit that I’m depressed. I thought I would give this a go.

I won’t hold you to read my whole story, but here goes:
I’m an almost 27 years old man. I currently live in Paris, France.
I’m about 1,80m (5’9″), I have parents that come from 2 countries that are on opposite sides of the globe.
I speak 5 languages, english, japanese, french, italian and spanish.

This might be the first time I’ve come to realize that I wish someone could hear my thoughts and I have no clue of where to start off so I’ll go from the beginning.

To summarize my early childhood, I would say I’ve lived in a fairly 90s’ kid style of life with the luxury of having traveled and moved around the globe quite a lot.
I don’t know how well you remember when you joined school for the first time. For me: I am this racial mix legacy thrown into a rich international school where classes were associated with the nationality of their pupils. And we all know how cruel kids can be: Well I was the freak that the entire school would hear about not in a good way.
We all had our ‘friends’ while growing up in a bunker full of flourishing parasites. But I was violent, short tempered and intolerant. With the years passing by I’ve come to change my violence into energy, my short temper into curiosity and my intolerance into faith. It might not sound logical but just go along with it…
Suffice to say, I was not very popular, mostly feared or dismissed and I was happy to have my family to hold on to me.

In the end, I grew up without having any solid base or roots to hold myself onto. It was like I was thrown in limbo and someone removed my eyesight. Survival is not even a concept you can even grasp at this point, you just don’t know who you are, lost and wandering the eternal darkness that holds you dear as your home.
So when you find something that feels even remotely different than your reality, you give yourself fully to it as to test your belief. And I was wrong to think that it would help me change how I see the world.
It was the complete opposite…

I had no other choice than to live with this chase for the truth, the reality that will not fear me, the world and the people that will trust me. One would think that it would be wise to try to honestly open up to people, because that’s how you connect to others. You get happy, you get sad, you get angry and all the magical feelings that life granted you.
But this is not how the world works. It is much bigger, much larger and a lot of bad stuff happens. Sometimes you can’t do anything about it, it just comes to you. And in this moment, I thought that those who I trusted most could help me open up my eyes, guide me in this darkness or even hold my hand.

It’s like they know better than you. That I don’t ‘deserve’ to know their truth.
Or it is because they ‘fear’ you enough to not give you their truth.
They don’t want to ‘hurt’ you. It’s for your own ‘protection’.
If they really cared and trusted me, they wouldn’t go through all this trouble to protect themselves. These lies that they hold themselves behind are just an illusion they grant to others to feel better about them.
They just don’t realize the difference of damage they cause this way. It’s just easier for them. Their weakness is their own decision and it hurts me.

“Lift the curtain and tell me!…”
“… You are too good for them.”

Today, I do not know how much of myself I have left. I am not happy. I am not sad nor angry.
With time it get much more difficult to feel. So I hold on to it when I can.
I am disappointed in life. And I care about it.
I have done a lot and will do much more to go further.
The voices in my head tell me I’m still human. But I know the void inside me is starting to have a mind on it’s own.
I want to be stronger than this. I don’t want to give up.

… I walk alone.

Thank you for the time you granted to read me.

  1. maia-slo 7 years ago

    Seiza, Hello, I’m Maia, I live in Lebanon Middle East, it sucks here, anw I read what you wrote, and I thought for a moment that U were describing most of what I’m feeling. I read somewhere else that if you can put a name to what you are feeling, it will start to go away or at least decrease. I don’t know what this is called, but I’m more than sure that I am disappointed in this life more than you! The only reason that holds me back from talking like this is my age! I’m 21, but yet I feel that I’ve lived for ages. You are not alone buddy, I don’t have any advice here but all I can do is listen.
    Today I told my so called best friend that I joined a therapy group! He didn’t bother to ask exactly whats wrong with me. So yep I am disappointed.
    And It sucks when you don’t if you are angry, sad, or just feeling blue, and sometimes you feel nothing at all ! I’m so sorry for this life ! but I wish we can make each other feel better by time !

    1 kudos
    • Author
      seiza 7 years ago

      Thanks for reading Maia. I don’t know where I’m going with this, but I have decided to give this a try for a week. I’ll see where it leads me.

      1 kudos

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