I was recently hospitalized for psychotic depression for a week. This was my first hospitalization, and this is my first time being on any medication. I'm nervous about it and some days are better than others, but I keep on it. I have certainly seen an improvement in my life, but again, some days are just better than others. Some of the side-effects really bother me, but the alternative is an unshakable depression which I have no interest in returning to.

I need to work on my self-esteem. Though I'm better than I was, I still beat myself up a lot over little (and bigger) things. My relationships with people suffer because my confidence tends to be so low. This depresses me the most; the feeling that I will never interact with people normally. I've never had a real relationship besides friendship, and even my friends have had a lot to deal with regarding me. I hate feeling like a "debbie downer" and I hate people that think that of me. I just don't feel like a functional member of society. Most days, I think about returning to the hospital. I had group therapy there which was very helpful. This website just isn't the same as sitting in a room with others and talking about issues in our lives. I also miss the nurses a little bit, we would have to chat with them at least once daily and rate our anxiety/depression levels. Not to mention the therapeutic atmosphere of the psych ward. All the negative connotations about psych wards and mental health institutions are completely wrong, but I still don't want people knowing I was in one.

Hopefully I can find a therapist that I can maintain a good repor with, I tend to be very skeptical of new people and it takes me a while. I also get frustrated quickly when I feel like they're not helping, and that causes me to stop going.

So I'm just trying to stick with it and give it all a chance. I think about death less often, so that's definitely an improvement. I'm trying to remain positive and give myself a mental high-five over little things like this.


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