I reached out to the crisis text line because I was so very close to checking myself into the hospital. I wanted to but even the person I was talking to yesterday made me feel talked down to- because I don’t have a plan? I had a plan. I was sitting in my bathtub with my favorite singer going, candles lit, a bottle of my favorite alcohol, and all of the pills I am currently on mixed together in a bowl like candy. But that’s ‘not a plan’. Why do I need a plan? I have no family, I have no friends, I have nothing of value. I am a failure at life and don’t want to do this anymore.
I feel like 1% less crappy than I have the past 4 months today, so I actually made my bed. It’s not a giant step at all and seems ridiculous for a 30 year old woman to put that as a goal in life. I got kicked out of college last week, I am alone in the world, and beyond broke/in debt, and have no one to talk to about anything. Not even things that make me slightly happy.
So I focused on making my bed. I feel so stupid.
If you want to you can talk with me PM
I had a therapist suggest it to me and when I talked with family/wife they were like no way that would make things worse unless last resort like if I was actively planning “that”
You are not alone. Many others are going through similar things
You WILL move forward and grow from this setback. We don’t get to “save scum” in life. There are many many many regrets we can have, such as I wish I did this to avoid that. But we can’t change the past…
Grieve the life you could have had (“life is messy” book is pretty good) “midnight library” seems sort of in this alleyway. Comfort Book too.
love ❤️ , mood altering drugs are destructive coping and won’t move you closer… diary writing helps me, mindfulness, self therapy such as through headspace, curable, etc. it’s a journey and one day you will look back on it and see how much space you know have to experience life’s good too