My husband is in the depths of his bi-monthly self-destructive swing. He is cruel, critical and absolutely frozen. He gets up and goes to work and comes home and falls asleep on the couch. After a particularly nasty fight 2 days ago (the day after my birthday when I thought he was joking about something and he wasn't, because he often gets mad when I take him seriously and he's actually joking), he isn't speaking to me. It's not his depression that makes me so angry and frustrated, it's that I have given him my full unconditional support (in every way possible: love, help, time, money, etc.) and like today, I have left him to wallow…and neither approach makes a difference. He is unwilling to do anything to help himself. He says his failure and hate for himself is a forgone conclusion that is set in stone due to: bad parents, bad relationships, drinking, wrong major, etc. etc. I do blame his parents for not teaching him how to succeed or fail in a healthy way. His father is eptiome of self-destruction. But after 10 years of loving him, marrying him and trying to help him take back some power, either for his goals and dreams or his physical or mental health, I feel like we are back at ground zero. He is going to let himself rot away (physically and mentally) and I am powerless to stop it. I feel like I have done all the things the someone who loves someone with depression is supposed to do. Ithink we have builta really wonderful life and I have let him know there's no one else I would rather have as a partner in this crazy world.Am I crazy to think that I deserve to not be his punching bag (figuratively, he's never hit me) when he needs to unleash his seething negativity on someone besides himself? Where do we go from here if there is absolutely nothing he is willing to do to even explore the idea that there's a different possibility out there?

  1. harvey01 7 years ago

    It sounds like a very oppressive situation.  Nobody should be anyones punching bag.  He has to reach a point where he wants to help himself, to make the decision to change his lilfe.  It sounds like you've done everything you can do.  He has to make the first, big step in his own recovery.

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  2. MoonWolfEagle 7 years ago

    your # ! hun your the admiral of y9ur own ship suree you can and i am sure have helped him and others here too. easy does it careful with y9ur heart soul and spirit k?


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  3. WaitingAgain35 7 years ago

    Thanks all. It's nice just to say it out loud. The pressure of "for better or for worse" makes me feel like a failure but knowing that it's ok to have my own feelings and reactions and it's not all about him is a huge relief. Not sure where we'll go from here but I will try and keep "me" in mind too.

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