I didn't think I would write again. You know when you get in that kinda mood where you feel like nothing matters, there is no point to anything you do….and then you wake up the next day feeling somewhat ok? Like maybe you can get through life and what you were feeling the night before was just an “episode”? Unfortunatley, if that were the case my whole life would be an episode. The bad thing about feeling ok when i wake up the next morning is that feeling only lasts for the early morning and then all the darkness seems to start ozzing back into me. However, I thought to myself, ” I wonder if anyone even read what I wrote”. I logged in and saw 3 comments. It made me smile. It made me feel like I wasn't alone. Those 3 ppl, complete strangers too the time to write something to make me feel better. Thank you for that. I think I'll stick around.So here I am, sitting on my couch, drinking my coffee with my daughters head on my lap playing Mario bros. Seems like an ok morning right? Well in this very moment, it is….only thing is, I can feel the darkness starting to come back. Which is the feeling that made me come back here. I have so much that I want to say I wish I could just snap my fingers and have it on here.First thing is first I guess. I have OCD. Not the ” omg!! There is a germ!!” My OCD gives me a sense of control in my life. But not the good control. For me I do certain rituals to keep it at bay. Anything from flipping my pillow over to counting the number of words that I say in a sentense before I say it. Even numbers are good, odd numbers, not so much. If I Dont do these rituals my brain tells me something bad will happen to someone I love. Death, illness ext. Or if I myself am happy about something in my life I have to do these rituals to keep my happiness or it will go away and I won't have that happiness anymore. Only thing is, if im too happy my OCD really flares up to the point where I'll be sitting on the couch having a hard time deciding what number the damn volume should be on. So, I try not to let too much happiness into my life. Mess up,I know.My mother says my OCD might steam from when I was younger. I was severely bullied in grades 3,4 and 5. It was bad. I would get things thrown at me, have crowds of kids circle me calling me names, bet up. Even notes passed around the school about me. See, I am a dancer and a singer. And when I was young I won a lot of compitions and was booked for events. The kids at school knew this about me and my mother says this is why I was treated bad. They were jealous. Seems pretty trivial but that bullying was traumatic. It stuck with me and is probably what started this downward spiral. I dunno.Anyway, my daughter is clearly getting annoyed that I'm not giving her my full attention so I gotta go. I just want to write and write but it will have to wait. I have to say to those ppl that commented, thanks. It made me feel like someone cares. I am actually looking forward to writing again tonight when she goes to bed..


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