The Risperidone seemed to be helping, but today has been manic.  For a while, I had no racing thoughts.  If anything, I felt slow, but I assumed that was just a perception.  I figured  my thoughts were probably moving at a normal pace, and that normal just seemed slow to me.  I still had surges of negative thoughts and feelings, but things were definitely better. 

Today was a horse of a different color.

I have been manic as hell.  But, there is a difference.  Most of the day, I felt pretty good.  I'm not one of those mania-embracing bipolars who gets really productive when I'm manic.  My mania is usually isolating and quite painful.  This was mostly okay.  I even felt…  good.  But, my thoughts were definitely racing.  And, as the wee hours set in, I feel ancier, more anxious, and the surges of painful thoughts/feelings have become more frequent.  A lot more frequent…

Made things good with a friend today, and had a falling out with another.  At the end of the day, it all seems about right. 

The friend I am on the outs with is morphing back into the worst version of herself, and she is finally taking it out on me.  She can't admit that her pill habit is destroying her relationships, and her mental health, so she lashes out.  I am kinder to her, and more patient with her, than anyone, and today she lashed out at me, in an extremely hurtful way.  She twisted something I had confided in her about (regarding my marriage) into a cruel jab.  I don't need to be slapped in the face twice.  Once is enough, and then I walk.  I realize she's unstable right now, but I can't let that be my problem.  I have my own problems.  If she wants to act like a psycho, then that's that.

The other friend is Ace.  Our friendship was a little strained, recently, as we were both dealing with some serious stress (and some serious psychiatric unrest).  I needed to hear that our friendship doesn't chip or wear when things get shaky.

I need to try to get some sleep.

 

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