It's almost 2 a.m. and I am sitting here in the dark staring at the Christmas tree. Husband is mad at me because I won't stay in the bed; but what for? To lie there awake uncomfortable because I can't move around and my brain is whirring like a computer? Nope ~ sorry honey, but I'm getting up. So it's back to this again. Insomnia strikes again. We're supposed to get up early and go grocery shopping, but I guess how early we'll go depends on when I get up or am woken up. Grrrrr…I hate being woken up!

So we finished decorating the Christmas tree tonight. My heart just wasn't really in it. I did all the lights and the garlands, but mostly Zachary and my Mom did the ornaments. I helped out a little bit with them to spend time together as afamily (my husband is against doing ANYTHING with a christmas tree, so he doesn't count into the equation) doing the Christmas traditions. At least it turned out very pretty. I'm hoping it will calm me down enough to sleep soon.

I know what part of my problem is ~ it's that restless thing that I've been getting from the Abilify; like having restless leg syndrome all over your body. You cannot sit still, you have to be moving at all times in some manner. It's making me about nuts and making me want to cut myself. I don't know why it does that to me, but it does. It amplifies the desire to cut. I haven't cut myself in over a year, but if this doesn't let up I don't know if I'll be able to keep from doing it. Any ideas from other people who deal with this issue? How do I keep myself from cutting when the urge is really bad?

Right now I'm even swinging my legs…sheesh, this sucks.

I took a second OTC sleeping pill and am hoping that it will give me enough help to go to sleep sometime here in the next hour. Why do I feel so out of synch with everything and everybody right now? It's not just the sleep thing. I'm going out of my mind being stuck at home most of the day, and yet I don't want to bother getting dressed or leaving the house. I did pull it together and made myself go to the store twice today and the gas station once, but as soon as I get home I start feeling like pacing again; kind of like a caged tiger does in a small enclosure. Back and forth, back and forth…from one end of the spaceI'm in to the other. And a lot of the times it's not even conciously, I'll only notice because it's aggravating someone else and they feel the need to say something about it. So then I just go elsewhere and end up doing the same things, the same repetitive motions all over again.

The Cogentin is starting to work, but let me say I'd be willing to down 5 of them if I thought it would stop this. It's not painful, but it's extremely discomforting and leaves me on edge all of the time. I think it's also the reason I've been crying so easily over nothing on and off lately. I mean really? Who cries during a comedy or a pretty song? I'm currently reading a book about bipolar disorder from an author who has it herself, and it's cowritten by her psychiatrist. She talks about those moments of choking up for seemingly insignificant things "sympathy sobs". I think it's fitting. Like when you cry because you see a dead animal on the side of the road that got hit by a car, or a sad song comes on the radio, or you're watching tv and a character gets seriously injured or killed. Those are all sympathy sobs as she puts it. And I guess that's what I'm having problems with right now.Does anyone else deal with this kind of thing? I'm a little nervous because I feel alone inthis one…

We haveone gift left to purchaseand it'sfor my Mom.I wantto get hera nice set of glasses since most of hers havebeen broken over the years. I guess we'll check out Wal-Mart'sselection when we go tomorrow.

I think I'm done blogging. Goodnight to you all and havea good Saturday!

1 Comment
  1. sbaxter1 10 years ago

    Please believe me you are not alone. I am struggling to leave the house and I want to just sleep my day away (if I can get to sleep). I am on my second antidepressant and the worse side effect is insomnia…Hopefully both of us will get some sleep tonight.

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