I just realised something, and it was so wonderful for me it got me crying…
These past few months i've been getting more and more creative, getting more projects started (small, but hey!). This has peaked the last few days – I've been plastering my door with posters and pictures, rearranged boxes and stuff, hung some of my hats on the wall, pictures everywhere — lots of stuff. And this morning i got a sudden urge to paint the frame of a mirror i have. The frame is devided into rectangles, all around the mirror… As i was focusing on trying to not make a pattern with the colours i use, it came to me. Why i do all these things with such ease – things i was reluctant to even move a centimeter just a couple of months ago – i suddenly understood that the part of my anxiety that has been so terribly afraid of critisism from others, that tells me all i do must hold up to inspection by others – even in my own appartment – is easing up. I dare to change things, because hey, it's MY stuff – and who are you to come into MY home and critisise me for not having the right coloured curtains? All my life i've been excusing what i am and how i work to my surroundings – even when they untrude on my turf – i've been apologising for having THOSE cups or THAT rug, telling myself and everyone else it's not good enough, that i'm sorry, no matter what the subject, i've been protecting myself by pointing out all these flaws before anyone else has an opportunity to do so. Of course, that also goes for myself, my qualities and my thoughts and feelings.
And now i suddenly got it – that i don't always have to…! i expect this will be a temporary feeling, but at least i know it's there! i CAN get here again! I don't have to be ashamed for letting my surroundings, in my home, reflect who i am, what i like – that i AM someone, with my own quirks and weird tastes! Hopefully, this realisation will grow and transfer to other aspects of my life and my feeling of worth.
Yes, i know that i don't know how to explain this (see? there i go again!), but i know what i mean – i think. i'm not quite sure yet, because this feeling now is confusing and overwhelming, but the essence is there! And now that i've put this chaos into writing, maybe it will become clearer, start churning in the subconcious, put down some roots and maybe, in time, break through the wall i've put up to protect me from myself.
Relief and joy (yeah! joy!) are feelings that have been almost non-existant in me for so very long, maybe that is why i react so strongly to them? Would be nice to get to know them better, maybe maybe maybe get them to be a small fixture in my make-up? Time will tell, as she always does, but right now i will take advantage of this moment and go paint more weird colours around my mirror, just because i want to 🙂