It's been a really bad 24 hours for me. I slept most of the day away because I was feeling bad physically and mentally. My Mom came home from an annual check-up yesterday and told me she has to go to havean ultrasounddone on her carotid artery because there's something wrong. She's started bringing up how her Mom had her stroke at the same age she is now and that she died 4 years later. It's too morbid and I can't handle it. I want to yell at her to stop it, that she'll be okay, but I don't know what we're dealing with so I can't just blindly talk. I don't want to accept that my Mom is growing older and is going to start having health problems. I'm not ready.

So I spent a good part of the evening crying by myself because I didn't want her to see how scared I was. I told my husband about why I was upset but it didn't help. I feel like I'm really on my own in dealing with whatever may come. Hopefully it will amount to nothing.

My biggest fears in life are losing my parents, my husband or my son. I feel like losing any of those people might send me over the edge, especially my son. I don't know how people can go on after losing a child…that just amazes me. Maybe I'm weak. They might as well put me in the ground with him.

But I pray that none of that comes to pass. I know my parents will one day be gone, but that's natural eventually. It sucks, but it's part of life's cycle. And one day too I'll grow old and leave behind this life as well.

I have to work the next 2 days; one cashiering and one in floral, then again in floral on Tuesday. I'm glad for the hours, but with how I'm feeling I don't really want to work. Oh well, I'm going to make myself do it anyhow.

I'm sitting her watching the neighbor killing the trees that my family planted in that lawn when we owned both pieces of land. A 20 year old oak tree is coming down in pieces, and it's making me cry and sick to my stomach. She's already cut down the Golden Raintree that I loved so much. If she takes that oak tree out I'm never going to speak to the woman again. I don't care if it is her land now.

I'm having one of those days that sleep sounds best. But my son's home, so I don't know what to do ~ I guess I'll nap on the couch while he watches tv or plays on the computer. My husband has been asleep all day but I don't want to wake him up. He's still trying to get over this bug.

I guess I'll stop complaining for today. It's a bad day but it will pass in due time I hope. Hope is all I've got.


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