Today is my birthday. A few short weeks ago I thought any shred of hope I had of enjoying it… and the upcoming holidays… was gone. I'd been in the throes of "severe" OCD for months, and I wasn't getting better. Seeing the psychiatrist was the best thing I've ever done. On 10mg of Lexapro I felt like SOMETHING was starting to make sense. At least a little. On 20, I feel like a new person. I won't say the OCD is gone. It's not gone, and I definitely have thoughts and uncomfortable feelings.. but after only 10 days on 20mg I have HOPE again. Sometimes OCD is such a hopeless disorder. You expend so much effort into changing something that does not want to change. You feel beaten down and tread upon by this thing that resides in your own brain. You start to wonder if you're crazy.. if your husband will leave because he can't take anymore. You wonder if you should just check yourself in, if you can keep going on with all the horrible things that plague you all day long. There comes a point where you're utterly hopeless. I've been there. I've been the dirt under the dog crap at the bottom of the lowest point I thought there was. I've dreaded waking up every single day for fear of what my OCD would throw at me next.

And today… I feel hope. I am so utterly, incredibly lucky to be someone whose brain responds magnificently to drugs. I tried very hard to stay off them for the sake of attempting to have a baby, but at this point, I may just have to stay on the medicine, category C, and instead save my baby the horrible anxiety and whatever that would do to it (when it's conceived, of course). I am a new woman. I truly am. The other day I woke up, literally hopped out of bed into the shower, and ran downstairs ready to start my day. All the while thinking "Is this really me?". YES, I do still have intrusive thoughts and crazy things that pop in about thinking I'm a horrible person or I could hurt people or something… but the way my brain is processing these is totally different. I still have to use CBT and the "4 steps", but it's like my brain is actually somewhat receptive to it, whereas before I was SO locked into OCD that NOTHING was helping.

I can spend days with my husband and enjoy them. I do not expect every day to be a good day. I am certain bad days will come, and anxiety will remain sometimes. But I feel like I'm at a point where I at least have a fighting chance. A real one. Like "Hey, maybe I CAN be a good wife and mother a child". "Maybe I can be a great employee again and show my bosses what I'm made of". I'm interestedin my friends and my hobbies again. I feel like I can go home and cook dinner instead of throwing myself on the couch until I fall asleep. and I'm currently not even on the suggested maintenance dose for OCD (30mg). I will still have bad days, but I could never even have imagined that 4 weeks into medication I'd be feeling like this. I feel like it's saved my life (figuratively). I know not everyone is as lucky as me… and I feel like such a dolt for waiting since medication has "saved" me twice before. I wanted to do it alone, but I'm not ashamed that I need medication. It allows me to play on the same field as all the "normals" out there. I feel like the fact the medication works might be directly correlated to how severe my OCD is. My Therapist actually told me last week that she'd realized there was very little she could do for me alone, and it was hard for her to watch! She kept telling me how bad I was (bad in an OCD way) and that she is so glad the medication is helping because now she feels like she can really help me.

I'm so grateful to Lexapro for giving me a chance. And now I'm off.. to go make dinner and watch some tv and NOT obsesses. I'm going to play a game tonight, called "Can I get through a whole night without obsessions?" I plan to win!!