I have no idea where to begin and I apologize for the disjointedness of my writing; my head is swimming. I don't want to start off with my life story, but I will say that I've experienced nearly all of the major life stressors in the past 2 years and things have not improved but have only continued to get worse. At this point in my life, I am really questioning why I'm here (in life, that is).
My only reason for getting out of bed in the morning is my 6-almost-7-year-old son; he is exceptionally bright and even in the gifted program at school and although I love him to death, I'm really not cut out for raising a gifted child. He really needs 2 parents together (we are divorced) who have the same mental capacities. I feel very guilty that I can't provide these basics for him.
This week has been particularly trying. I hit a deer and totalled my car Friday night; Saturday morning got the keys to a house that we will be renting since we can't afford the apartment that we are in anymore (and that house is depressingly rough and small) – at least we have somewhere to go; lost my job yesterday which was the reason we moved away from family and to this area (Pittsburgh).
I want nothing more than to have a safe, clean place to live and raise my son. I wish I could meet his needs, but I'm increasingly unsuccessful. Also, I would love to someday have a boyfriend or even a husband, but that is also not in the cards. I'm exceedingly unpleasant to look at and overweight. Men want nothing to do with me and so I'm done putting myself out there in hopes of finding one.
I'm lonely, tired, sick, sad, and now unemployed. I don't think I can take much more. I need hope and I'm just not finding it. I am Christian so I do believe in God and Jesus's wonderful gift, but I know I'm not included in that.