Sometimes a short sojourn is what the mind and body needs. An elimination of distraction can be a good thing, it often leads to enlightenment. I found that with my short absence from the website, a lot has come to pass in my life. For one, i entered my third bipolar depression in a 6 month period…not a fun thing to deal with. the worst part about these down periods is not their varying length, but their strengthening severity.

the last two episodes i had werent terrible, just a deep low point where a trip home from university and some doggie therapy did the trick to atleast pull me back to earth. but this last episode is proving to be much stronger and less like likely to ameliorate itself with some simple fixes. it started with severe suidical thoughts and urges due to both situation and mood. my affectsometimes mademe afraid to drive because of how much i thought about driving my car off the road. in general the best way i can describe the way i was feeling is that I woke up in the morning feeling jealous of the dead (Next to Normal quote for you showtunes fans out there). i mean, what person in their right mind thinks to themself "i wish i could pop a bunch of pills like oxy or vicodinso I would hallucinate and be happy as I overdose, atleast thats a good way to die". who says to themself, almost as an afterthought, "wellI should probably clean my house and leave my body in the shower or someplace where they can easily clean up whatever mess I may make". the worst part was at one point realizing that I actually enjoyed and took solace in the sound and thought of being dead…i actually really perferred the notion of silence that came with death rather than the noise and activity of living. my parents dont know these thoughts, i would never tell them out of shame and embarassment, but off I went to the doctor at their request.

This time around my doc perscribed me latuda to help with the persistent suicidal thoughts/urges but the sideeffects suck. i started taking ginger capsules at night with the pill to try and reduce the nausea but the stomach pain is still persistent. the worst part is that i really dont feel much better sans no longer having suicidal thoughts. the lingering depression is uncomfortable, its paralyzing yet it causes me anxiety. my mom thinks that when the warmer weather comes I will improve but i just couldnt care less. there is so little that makes me happy anymore or makes me excited enough to want to participate. at any rate, the worst part is over but the aftershocks linger.

a positive part of my absence from posting has been that the situation I wrote about about in past blog entries concerning "the red-head" is no longer a concern. I think the silent agreement that has been reached is that she and I are no longerfriends and are no longer going to interact, something I am quite content with. The marked difference between being involved with her last year andour non-involvment now is that I live with much less stress on my end. the fear of her outbusrts or rapidly changing mood is no longer my concern or my problem and I am not the punching bag. the friendships which we shared amongst our group of women arechanging as it is because of graduation, so this alteration was bound to happen no matter what the situation was…itjust happened to occur sooner than I had anticipated or expected.

most of the girls are moving back home and looking for jobs, but I am the only onegoing to graduate schoolcome september so the general feel of the group has changedand I dont think thats a bad thing…i think its time for me to find some new friends anyway…nothing against them, but friendships created due to proximity and convenience with nothing added to them except the bare minimumarent the friendships I want to keep.

I want to thank you all for listening and for having such open hears, minds and arms as you do. I always appreciate the feedback and advice!

1 Comment
  1. buffster 8 years ago

    First of all? welcome back to the site after your sabbatical..

    Even though you may believe your university friendships might be purely out of proximity & convenience the older you get the more you'll realize they were probably the best friends in the best years of your life..college is a nice lil cocoon where you can play & make lifes little screw-ups & still land on your feet..always cherish this time of your life..

    Even though Spring is almost here & the days are getting longer ie more sunlight and all I would suggest investing in a full-spectrum lightbox of some brand..if the meds are playing havoc there with your system then maybe a natural approach like defusing the melotonin in your head with ultraviolets from a faux but intense sunlike lightsource would be a good next step to try..

    Also try drinking some black tea for the tummy troubles from the meds you're on now..good luck in your final drive toward graduation..\\

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