First of all, I am going to state: I am not intending on committing suicide. The following will simply be thoughts that I have had on my mind a long time and I just wish to express them, so please know this post is not an intention to take any action towards such or an encouragement on my behalf to others, because it isn’t in the slightest.

I’ve wondered often . . . does anyone ever feel like I do? I have had an internal desire to kill myself for . . . as long as I can remember, so as a very, very young tot. Sometimes . . . well, a lot of the time it’s a gnawing feeling, as if I am suppose to. It disturbed me more in the past when I was a child, but this does not apply to reasons of “sadness,” how-ever (as I don‘t feel really sad at all regarding this) –this more-so applies to a deeper level, a feeling of . . . nostalgia. This is the best way I can describe it: Think of a song that deeply touches you (maybe one from your youth that you still fancied or haven’t heard in a long time). I get this funny feeling of nostalgia, and maybe a slightly sensation of regret or remorse for being in a different place in time. This feeling is both comforting (but in a morbid sense –does that make sense?), but the sensation of the nostalgia makes it priceless and untouchable, as it’s inviting me in and trying to tell me something.

There are many songs, some of which are in my play-list on my profile, that make me reflect this feeling myself. It has hit me at other moments as well, though, like something as innocent as watching Sailor Moon (a cartoon) in the morning as a child. Sometimes if I day-dream of yellow 1970’s-style wall-paper, I get this feeling. . . And then again with pine trees in snow, and small butterscotch candies. . .  Like incorrectly remembered memories. . .
It’s so strange but special to me. (This sense of nostalgia also may be caused by other senses like touch and smell.)

Sometimes when I start feeling this desire to die I also develop a certain sense of calm and curiosity, as if I want to know what it’s like. I want to know if something is after death, and if so, I want the journey.  I’m ready mentally. The whole idea makes me . . . incredibly happy, to be honest. I used to become so happy at the idea of dying. . . I still do, though, so I try not to linger on it. . . I have also wanted to die, many times, out of sadness, but these feelings and sensations were completely different and fleeting. Anyway, so I guess what I’m trying to ask is (if anyone is reading this): Has anyone ever wanted to kill themselves/die for another reason other than from sadness/general circumstances of negativity in your life? A feeling more-so of nostalgia, or wonderment, or from a sense of belonging? I know it sounds crazy, but . . . this is on my mind a lot.
 

1 Comment
  1. Martha_My_Dear 12 years ago

    Pheonixfeather09:  Thank you so much for commenting. I”m glad to know I”m not the only one.

    For me I must say that it is harder to shake off when I”m feeling like that in particular, the nosalgia, because it feels like it is a part of me, and I feel like I am not suppose to be here anymore, that there”s something so beautiful somewhere else. . .  I am more suicidal then as opposed to when I”m sad.

    When I was younger I told myself that I never wanted to kill myself out of sadness.  I don”t know why, but it helped. . .  Maybe I would prefer it for a more special "reason."  Maybe the suicidal-sadness side of it is what caused the entire other feeling to begin with, but I know this issue must have started when I was incredibly young.

    May I ask how old you were when you first started feeling this way?
     

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