Last week, we were told that we would be drawing full-body nude portraits of a young pregnant woman named Jessica. I couldn't wait to get to class because women, for me, are more entertaining subjects for art and there is nothing more beautiful than a woman carrying life in her womb. However, she was unable to make it and instead we had to draw a very thin elderly man with large bones, an amputated arm, and a sad face. It worked in favor of my art that I was able to find an emotional connection with the subject, but it was a heavy one.
I began to think about the future- not the near future, but the very very distant future. What will I look like when I'm old? What will I have done? What will I have witnessed? Family health records go to show that I probably will not be spry or active in my elder years, so I know that much and that's about it. But I can't imagine having to endure the coldness of the world for such a long time. In the grand scheme of existence, one life- 80 years or so- is faster than a blink of an eye. Yet, I am 20 years old and I have already attempted suicide multiple times in my lifetime because I could not stand not only who I am, but what's happening to the world and what it's evolving into. Going through sickness and exhausting life experiences on my own is hard enough, but I have seen so much and I've seen so many people hurt in such big ways. It ages you quickly.
I don't want to live to be that old, though not to say that I am suicidal right now. Sure, I think about death and even wish that I could be laid to rest, but I won't do it myself, mostly because I could not stand to put my family through that kind of strife. I know they care about me. I just can't imagine having to do this for 50 or 60+ more years. It's been so hard already and whenever things seem to get better, they always shoot back downhill. The future is daunting for just about everyone, yes, but I can't stand the thought of it. I'd like to imagine that it's going to be filled with beautiful things and wonderful adventures, but I know that hard times only get harder with age. As I progress through life, I don't seem to get better at handling them, either.
I know this all sounds horribly negative, and I apologize for that. It's just the way that I've felt for a long time, and seeing someone who had obviously been through rought times right there in front of me made me feel like I could never possibly make it.