Last week, we were told that we would be drawing full-body nude portraits of a young pregnant woman named Jessica. I couldn't wait to get to class because women, for me, are more entertaining subjects for art and there is nothing more beautiful than a woman carrying life in her womb. However, she was unable to make it and instead we had to draw a very thin elderly man with large bones, an amputated arm, and a sad face. It worked in favor of my art that I was able to find an emotional connection with the subject, but it was a heavy one.

I began to think about the future- not the near future, but the very very distant future. What will I look like when I'm old? What will I have done? What will I have witnessed? Family health records go to show that I probably will not be spry or active in my elder years, so I know that much and that's about it. But I can't imagine having to endure the coldness of the world for such a long time. In the grand scheme of existence, one life- 80 years or so- is faster than a blink of an eye. Yet, I am 20 years old and I have already attempted suicide multiple times in my lifetime because I could not stand not only who I am, but what's happening to the world and what it's evolving into. Going through sickness and exhausting life experiences on my own is hard enough, but I have seen so much and I've seen so many people hurt in such big ways. It ages you quickly.

I don't want to live to be that old, though not to say that I am suicidal right now. Sure, I think about death and even wish that I could be laid to rest, but I won't do it myself, mostly because I could not stand to put my family through that kind of strife. I know they care about me. I just can't imagine having to do this for 50 or 60+ more years. It's been so hard already and whenever things seem to get better, they always shoot back downhill. The future is daunting for just about everyone, yes, but I can't stand the thought of it. I'd like to imagine that it's going to be filled with beautiful things and wonderful adventures, but I know that hard times only get harder with age. As I progress through life, I don't seem to get better at handling them, either.

I know this all sounds horribly negative, and I apologize for that. It's just the way that I've felt for a long time, and seeing someone who had obviously been through rought times right there in front of me made me feel like I could never possibly make it.

1 Comment
  1. elf 8 years ago

    I would suggest befriending an elderly person. Having an older friend takes away some of the fear. They can be so full of wisdom and have lotes to share. (Not all, but many)


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